I kissed the back of her hand. She laughed. It was the last time I heard that sound.
“I fucked up,” I tell her now. “I’ve gotten away from what I was supposed to be. And I don’t know if I know the way back. I’m lost, Mrs. P. I need help because I’m lost.”
“Nah,” someone says from behind me. “You’re just… off track, I think.”
Bear.
I don’t turn. “Dom called you?”
He sighs as he sits down in front of me. I look down when our knees bump together. “Yeah,” he says. “He was worried about you. I thought it was best for everybody if I came here instead him.”
“Oh.”
“Ty.”
“What?”
“You’re not lost. I would never let you get lost.”
“Feels like it. Like I’m… floating. Off course. I don’t know. You were right not to tell me, I think. About Dom. Apparently I don’t handle things very well.”
“No,” he says. “I wasn’t. I didn’t handle that very well at all. Otter…. Otter thought we should tell you. I didn’t. I should have listened to him.”
“You didn’t think I was strong enough.” I don’t say it with any recrimination. Just stating the fact.
“No.” He grabs my hand and holds it tight. “No. Not that. Never that. You are the bravest person I know. That will never change.”
“Then why?”
He chuckles darkly. “I think it was selfish, mostly. You’d been hurt before. Let down. So many times by people in your life. I didn’t think you deserved it again. But that’s all I was thinking, I guess. I. I. I. I didn’t want to see you hurt. I didn’t want to give you the news to cause you pain. I didn’t think you deserved it. You were strong enough, Ty. It was me who wasn’t.”
It’s either now or never. And if I can’t tell my brother, then I might as well not tell anyone at all. “I loved him,” I confess. “That’s why everything happened the way it did. I thought we’d be….” I can’t finish.
“I know,” Bear says. “I’ve known for a long time.”
“You did?” I look up at him in surprise.
Bear watches me sadly. “Ever since the party before we left Seafare. You were in the bathtub. I didn’t know what set it off, but I knew it had something to do with Dominic. I left you with him and you came out, ready to leave.”
“Found Dom and Stacey. In the hall. He was… smiling at her.” The way he used to smile just for me. It all sounds so ridiculous now.
“Ah,” Bear says. “I can see how that could hurt.”
“That’s not the only reason I wanted to leave.”
“No?”
“No. It was for me too. I think I needed to leave. To see what else was out there.”
“It worked out okay, then.”
I snort. That’s a euphemism if I’ve ever heard one. “I don’t know if that’s quite right. I’m pretty sure I’m about to get kicked out of Dartmouth. If the literature is to be believed, I’ll always be an addict now. I hear voices in my head, and I still need the bathtub because it gets hard to stand. What about any of this worked out okay?”
“You’re alive.”
I gape at him, only because I can’t think of a single thing to say in response.
He shrugs. “We made it this far and we’re alive, aren’t we? There were times I didn’t think we’d be able to say that. To be where we are and say that. So while things can be shit, you just remember that you’re alive, and if you’re alive, that means you can take another step. And if you can take another step, then you are nowhere near close to being done.”