“Did you do the exercises I taught you?”
“I tried. Sometimes it worked. Most of the time it didn’t. It probably didn’t help that I was hiding the panic attacks as much as possible from Bear and Otter.”
“Why?”
I pick at the armrest of the chair. “I didn’t want them to worry.”
“The panic attacks continued.”
“Yes. Maybe not with the same severity, but yes.”
“Meditation? Yoga?”
I shook my head. “I was never very good at either of those, Eddie. You know that. My mind works too fast to focus like that.”
“And the Klonopin helped with that?”
I hesitate here, because “help” is more of a euphemism than anything else. If by “helped” he means I was stoned most of the time and could rarely find a single fuck to give, then yes, it helped. I was Robot Tyson and Zombie Tyson, and though I tried my damnedest not to show it, I know my eyes had dulled and I spoke more slowly. Robot Tyson moved through life as if underwater. Zombie Tyson couldn’t be bothered with paying attention in class.
“I don’t know about ‘helped’,” I say slowly. “It was more of a means to an end.”
“How so?”
“I was hurting. The drugs helped me to not hurt. It was very self-serving.”
“Such things usually are,” he says with no recrimination in his voice. “Do you think you would have stopped on your own?”
“Hard to say.”
“Try.”
I sigh. “Maybe? Probably. I like to think I would have.”
“But?”
“But I don’t know. I know better than what my actions show.”
He smiles at me. “I know, Tyson. You always did. I think maybe you just lost your way for a little bit.”
“That’s what Bear said.”
“He’s smart, that one.”
“Sometimes.”
Eddie smiles. “And I know how hard you tend to be on yourself. But you have to consider that what you see as selfish might in fact be grief.”
“Over?”
He shrugs. “You tell me.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Think about it, Tyson. You’ve been through a lot in your life, much more than most people your age have.”
“It hasn’t been all bad,” I counter. “I’ve had Bear and Otter. And the others.”
“You have. And that’s good. But people have still left, Tyson, and I don’t know that you’ve properly dealt with that.”