“I read in an article that the average cost of raising a child is over two hundred thousand dollars,” Bear says, looking sad. “Think of all the stuff we could buy if we saved that money for ourselves.”
“Or,” Otter says, “think of the joy when our son or daughter says ‘Daddy’ for the first time.”
“Or when he or she screams how much they hate you at the grocery store because you wouldn’t buy them a candy bar,” Creed says. “And then everyone stares at you because you’re so obviously a bad parent and you can’t control your little spawn of Satan.”
“That was one time,” Anna says. “And to be fair, you told him first that you were going to buy a candy bar for yourself, and that JJ was going to get a can of wet cat food.”
“Fucking with him is the only way I’ll survive since you won’t let me day-drink,” he says. “How else am I supposed to live since you trapped me with a baby?”
“Tyson?”
God, they’re all so weird. “Yes, Anna?”
“Whatever your plans are for Corey and/or Dominic, please make room for Creed in them on the receiving end as well, with me standing by your side. Might I suggest waterboarding them with bleach?”
“That would work perfectly,” I grumble darkly as Corey lets out another one of his braying-donkey laughs as he all but fucks Dominic in front of everyone. It’s funny, really, when you realize your best friend is nothing but a big fat whore who needs to shut his whore mouth and fall off the earth.
But to complicate things (I am me, after all), I’m also slightly
(read: extremely) annoyed with Dominic for just standing there with a bemused expression on his face, taking such advances in stride. Corey’s my friend and ex-boyfriend, not his, and he needs to back the fuck away from Corey before I climb him like a mountain and plant my fist in his face.
Gosh, I’m a remarkably complex and fascinating creature.
Maybe I’ll just off the both of them and be rid of this entire situation. I think it would make things so much easier.
“Well, as much fun as plotting evil plots behind Gross Tree Bush Thing is for me,” Creed says, “I really think we could put our focus on the ill-suffering Kid here. It’s his birthday, after all. We can’t have him be murderous.”
“I’m perfectly fine with murderous,” I tell him, though I find it slightly odd that we’ve all randomly congregated behind a plastic tree bush. No wonder people are under the impression my family is weird.
“Be that as it may, let’s change things up a bit,” he says cheerfully as he reaches out and shoves the Gross Tree Bush Thing. Bear squawks angrily as it falls to the ground with a loud crash, revealing the five of us standing in close proximity in the corner of the living room. “Tyson!” Creed says quite loudly. “You need to be more careful! That could have killed someone!”
Everyone stares at us, including Corey and Dom. Corey, that motherfucker, has a knowing smirk on his face that makes me want to rip his lips off. Who knew I had such a propensity for violent fantasies? I should probably bring this up the next time I’m in therapy. Just my luck, I’m on my way to being a serial killer on top of everything else. That’s something I really don’t need.
“I will destroy something you love,” Bear promises angrily, bending over to pick up the tree.
Well, if I am going to be a serial killer, at least I’ll know where I got it from.
“Yeah, yeah, Papa Bear,” Creed says, rolling his eyes. “Because you’re so threatening.”
“He tries,” Otter says with a sweet smile. “It’s rather adorable.”
“Gag,” Creed says. “I could have lived my whole life without hearing my older brother describe my best friend as adorable. You really outgayed yourself this time, Otter, which honestly, I didn’t think was possible, what with the whole ‘gay sex’ thing. Congratulations.”
“Tyson!” Corey calls. “There you are.” He grabs Dominic by the hand and drags him over to us. “We’ve been looking all over for you.”
This is a horrible and horrendous lie, and he knows it. “Funny,” I say through gritted teeth. “I’ve been in the same spot the whole time.”
“Hiding behind the Gross Tree Bush Thing,” Creed says helpfully.
“Why do you guys have names for everything?” Corey asks as Bear continues to stroke the plastic. “Green Monstrosity. Gross Tree Bush Thing. I bet Bear and Otter have names for their penises too.”
“I’m already in therapy,” I remind him. “That can’t possibly help the situation.”
“Having a good birthday, Tyson?” Dominic asks me as if we didn’t just spend the most awkward lunch of our lives together and as if he hasn’t just spent the last hour being the object of Corey’s affections.
“Superb,” I say. “Illuminating. Eye-opening.”
“You okay, Ty?” Corey asks. “You sound a little… uptight.” He inches a step closer toward Dom. Their arms are touching. He wouldn’t be able to do that if he didn’t have arms! I think savagely.