“And that’s why,” I tell Sandy now, my voice hoarse from talking so long, “it matters what my brother thinks. For the longest time, it was just Bear and me. That’s all we knew about how to survive. Eventually, it got better, but no matter where life takes us, no matter where our stories go, it always will come down to Bear and me. There might come a time when we’ll be apart, but everything I’ll do will be because of him, and everything I’ll do will be for him. He’s not just my brother, Sandy. Bear is the reason I’m alive.”
“Oh, baby doll,” Sandy says, wiping his eyes. “I do believe that’s possibly the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Forgive my ignorance earlier. Of course you should care about what your brother says. But you shouldn’t let it define you. You are your own man, and while the path might have been started by Bear, it’s your own now.”
“He’s still going to flip out.”
“Doesn’t he do that normally?”
I laugh. I feel better. A little bit. “Yeah. I guess he does.”
“Well, then. It’ll be par for the course.” Sandy hesitates. Then, “Was he right?”
“About what?”
“Your mom.”
“What about her?”
“Do you want to find her? Ask her the questions yourself?”
“No,” I tell him honestly. “But I’ve been thinking about her more and more lately. I even dream about her. Sometimes, they’re good dreams. But most of the time they’re not. And I’m not wher
e I want to be. If anything, I’m worse.”
“And you think she has something to do with that.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. So, no. I don’t want to find her. I don’t want to ask her questions myself.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But I think I’m going to. Not for Bear. Not for Dom. For me.”
“You might not get the answers you want,” he tells me. “You’re more likely not to get anything at all. If she’ll even talk to you.”
“I have a sister,” I tell him. “That’s the last thing Bear told me that day. After my mom left, she got pregnant again. She’d be eleven now, I think. Maybe twelve. Her name’s Isabelle.” I sniffle. “Izzie, for short.”
“I’m sorry, honey,” Sandy says, pulling me close again. “I wish I could take away all this hurt from you. You don’t deserve it.”
“I lied to you,” I admit. “Just now.”
“About?”
“Doing it just for me. It would be for Bear too. And for Dom.”
“I know, baby doll. But they love you just the way you are.”
“I know.” And I do. “But in order for me to be who I want to be for them, I’ve got to clear this blockage. In my head.”
“When will you do it?” he asks me quietly. Outside, the sky is beginning to lighten.
“I’ll take Dom home,” I say, making the first firm decision in a long time. “Then I’ll leave again.” It’s best to do it now and get it over with.
“You need to tell him.”
I shake my head. “He’ll just worry.”
Sandy laughs. “If you two are headed where I think you’re headed, he’s going to do that regardless. I think he does it already. Probably has for a very long while.”
“What do you mean?”
He gives me a small smile. “You’ll find out, I’m sure.”
“This is my fight,” I say.