Panic settled in the back of her mind. That had to be it. Nadia wanted to break up and go after a man instead. She had her taste of this rich living, and now it was time to stop playing around with women and go after the real big fish.
Nadia caught the look on her girlfriend’s face and decided to put it to rest, for everyone’s sake. “Don’t give me that look. You have nothing to be threatened of. It’s a book.” Nadia pulled the book away and took it with her into the bathroom. Wait! What was she going to do with it in there? Was that the bath starting? Who said she could go take a bath with a naughty book? What was Eva supposed to do?
Answer her phone, apparently.
The familiar chimes of Kathryn’s incoming phone number brought Eva out of her stupor. Great. Just what she needed! Someone to rant to.
“You’ll never believe what my girlfriend did,” Eva said in greeting. “Go on. Guess what she did.”
Whatever Kathryn was going to say was lost to the universe. “She cooked something in your kitchen and showed you a whole new world of culinary arts? It’s called a crockpot, Eva. I gave you one for your birthday last year.”
“What? No! Why the hell are you bringing that up?”
“No idea. Why are you answering my phone call with such terse words?”
“Because my girlfriend is reading dirty romance novels and I’m starting to wonder if she’s been replaced with a changeling.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Women read romance novels. Haven’t you ever read one?”
“Yeah, the gay kind!”
“Oh.” Was Kathryn laughing? Yes. Yes, she was, although Eva would continue to ignore it in favor of feeling sorry for herself. Too bad for Eva her best friend had been given a powerful weapon in the battle against Eva’s ego. “So it’s like that, huh? You’re all fucked up because you caught your girlfriend reading a dirty romance novel, complete with cocks battering up pussies.”
Only Kathryn would say something like that to Eva’s face (or directly over the phone in this case.) Because why wouldn’t she? Taking digs at Eva’s insecurities was one of the purest forms of entertainment offered to a woman like Kathryn.
“You don’t understand.” Maybe if Eva talked slowly as if she were conversing with a dumb child her point would get across. (Yeah, right.) “She’s not just reading any ol’ porno you can get off Amazon. She’s reading that one.” No, she couldn’t even bring herself to say it. Not tonight, probably not tomorrow. Definitely not by her next birthday.
“Fifty Shades?”
Eva groaned into her receiver. By now she was sitting on the edge of the couch where Nadia had been only moments before. While Kathryn talked of that time she and Eva got super drunk and read Fifty Shades of Grey out loud to one another and then pretended to act out the scenes (including the tampon one, because what two drunk women acted out scenes from that book and did not include the tampon one?) Eva attempted to figure out how to best express her ire. Without shouting.
“No. The other one.”
“What other one? Do you know how many books like that one there are out there? Of varying quality?”
Like Eva needed reminding! “It’s called Fucked by You or something of that stupid nature.”
“Oh. Oh my God.” Kathryn was borderline cackling now. Given another two seconds, she would be guffawing like an ugly goat. “Do you mean the Crossfire trilogy? Girl, you’re boned. Your girlfriend’s leaving you for one of our billionaire brethren in about two more weeks after reading that epic fantasy tale.”
“Don’t remind me!”
“Calm down. I’m just joking. And mostly making fun of you, because you’re the one being dumb about it.”
Eva? Being dumb? Yeah, right. Didn’t Kathryn understand what was going on here? No red-blooded ragin’ lesbian wanted to catch her girlfriend reading a book like that. Let alone in secret. (Or out in the living room in this case.) “I am not being dumb. You don’t understand because you’re straight.”
“Don’t pull that bullshit with me. I’ve read those books. They’re hot.”
“You’re not helping!”
“They’re hot but they’re pure fantasy, dumbass! You think a real guy can get it up three times in half an hour? You think any woman out there actually wants to be pounded for three hours straight and constantly run on four hours of sleep because her boyfriend can’t stop fuckin’ the piss out of her?”
“I wouldn’t know, asshole.”
“The answer is no. Great fantasy. Horrible in practice. Trust me, I’ve tested this extensively.”
“Okay, that’s great, but you don’t get what’s going on here. My girlfriend – my girlfriend, the big lesbian – is reading those books.”
“Didn’t she used to date guys?”
“That doesn’t matter!”
“Sure it does! Girl, I could fall in love with a bunch of lesbians tomorrow and still be turned on by straight porn. Doesn’t mean I’m any less in love with the bunch of lesbians.”
“Wait. How many lesbians?”
“You’re like five on your own some days.”
Whatever that meant! Although if Eva thought long and hard enough about it, surely she would figure out that meant she was bigheaded and privileged as fuck. Not that she would think too hard about it. “Just try to understand why I’m not excited about finding my girlfriend reading that stuff. Just try, Kathryn.”
“Okay, okay, I get it. You’re threatened and frightened that she’s going to dump your high-maintenance butch-ass for some guy we went to Winchester with.” What Kathryn didn’t include were the phrases “who doesn’t make half as much money as you” and “doesn’t make as sweet as love as you.” She would have said them, too, but sometimes when Eva was like this she had a habit of taking such phrases completely the wrong way. Mostly by twisting them to mean that Kathryn was somehow interested in her like that. If Eva were threatened by Nadia reading dirty heterosexual novels? Then Nadia should be slightly threatened that Eva had a quashed crush on Kathryn since the time they were both in high school. The only thing that kept them from trying a romantic relationship was the fact Kathryn couldn’t live without dick, no matter the quality. That would put a damper on any lesbian’s dating spirit.
“Instead of being offended that she’s daring to read fantastical, escapist romances,” Kathryn continued, “maybe you should try finding out what turns her on about them and start delivering.”
“And if the answer is ragin’ boners?”
“Then give her some ragin’ boners, duh!”
Eva pinched the bridge of her nose between two anxious fingers. “Why the hell are you calling me again?”
“Right! I had a reason for calling you!” At least Kathryn was done badgering her best friend about her love life and the insecurities within. In her defense, however, it had been a long time since she had the chance to do that to Eva. Usually it went the other way around. “So I just heard the juiciest gossip last night. Do you remember Cassandra Welsh?”
“Who?” Eva was so rattled from recent events that the name barely registered in her mind. Soon enough, however, she remembered a waifish brunette who was half princess, half heartbreaker. “Oh. Her.” One of the only women to ever stab Eva right in the fuckin’ heart. “What about her? She finally marrying some dude?” Could this day get any bitterer?
“Don’t know about that, but I hear she’s coming back into town for the Christmas gala you and I have already RSVP’d for with our partners.”
Did Eva hear that right, or did she need to start cleaning out her ears again? “Are you kidding me? Cassandra Welsh? Showing her tragic face around here again? Who the fuck did you hear that from? Was it even a credible source?” The idea that Cassandra would ever come back to the city was hilarious. The last Eva heard anything about her, Cassandra was crying herself to sleep every night and having her family pass it off as “hysterics.” Rumors abounded, mostly that she had a miscarriage (or was coerced into having an abortion she didn’t want) and the baby daddy was one of the biggest names in town. Other rumors suggested that she had cancer or some other debilitating auto-immune disorder that barely left her functioning most days. Eva preferred the rumor that she had bought a ranch out in California and now spent her days turning it into a personal spa and male-harem palace. Hey, Eva may not have understood the appeal of men, but if a woman was going to be into them, they at least better be serving their woman until their dying day.
“Does Caroline count as a credible source? Because she’s the one who called me after ten last night to blab about it.”
“Caroline! Might as well ask her if she heard it from Michelle Obama, because she would probably lie and say she did.”
“She had a credible source herself. I’m inclined to believe it, since the Welshes are a big reason that gala even happens.”
“Yes, but we conveniently forget Cassandra exists.”
“You do because she decided you were her #1 experiment. I didn’t even have to tell Ian that without it being one of the first things he asked when I announced that I was going to call you.”