“I’m fine,” I said before the question came out of her mouth. I knew, even then, that I was going to be getting that a lot.
“Okay,” she said, unconvinced. She gave me one last look before turning to the Kid. “Lucky Charms?” she exclaimed in a cheery voice. “Are you sure you don’t want French toast?”
The Kid grinned through a mouthful of congealed sugar. “Can we put peanut butter and syrup on ’em? Can I help?”
“Peanut butter and syrup I can do, but I think that Bear has something he wants to talk to you about,” she said, picking him up from his chair and wrapping him in the same kind of hug I had been giving her. He complained lightly but hugged her back. She set him back down, and I could see the beginnings of tears in her eyes as she looked back at me. Anger welled in me, black and oily. Don’t you dare start crying. If you start, Ty will start, and he’s going to anyway, but don’t you start, don’t you dare.
“Bear?” the Kid said. “What do you want to talk to me about? Are we going somewhere for your birthday? ’Cause I was thinking we could go to the aquarium and see Otter the otter and Todd the seal,” he stated, naming his favorite animals at the tourist trap on the
outskirts of Seafare.
I looked at Anna, who was pulling out bread and eggs, but I knew she was listening intently. I was glad to see the tears had dried up somewhat. I looked at Creed, lounging back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face. And I looked at Otter, to Otter, but his face remained passive, as it had before, betraying nothing. I sighed heavily and sat down opposite Ty.
“Kid,” I started and was alarmed when it came out thick and emotional. My face was suddenly wet, my heart wrung, my throat constricted. Jesus Christ, I gasped in my head. Now don’t you start! Where the hell did this come from?
“Bear?” I heard Ty say, suddenly concerned. I heard the scraping of his chair as he pushed it back, and I heard Creed rise as well, but Otter made him sit down again. Ty came running around the table and climbed into my lap. “What’s wrong, Bear? You can’t be sad! It’s your birthday! We don’t have to go to the dumb aquarium. We can do what you want to do.” He was petting my hair.
I shook my head and cleared my throat, trying to rein in this unwelcome display of emotion. When I spoke, my voice sounded raw and flat in my ears. “We can do whatever you want to today. And not just today, either. If you want to do something, you tell me, and somehow we’ll do it. Okay?” I leaned my forehead against his, feeling his hands in my hair, smelling his sweet Lucky Charms breath on my face. “But I have to tell you something now, and I am going to need you to be a big boy for me, okay?” I felt him pull back.
“Is she dead?” he asked, his voice the only thing betraying his age. It was said so quietly, so maturely, that I cursed her under my breath for what he was about to become. I knew what I was about to do to him, and I hated myself for it. “Is she dead?” he asked again, his voice growing insistent.
“No, Ty, she’s not. She’s….” Disappeared? Abandoned us? Run off with Tom? Given up the only flesh and blood she has left in this world? Pick one, Bear, hurry up and pick one! Any will do! “She’s… gone, Kid. She’s gone.”
“Where’d she go?” he asked, his voice as flat as my own now.
“I don’t know. She said that she wanted to go away with Tom and get a job somewhere, but I don’t know where she went.”
“She’s coming back, right?” he asked. I could feel him start to tremble in my arms. I crushed him tighter into me.
“No, Kid,” I whispered. “I don’t think she is. I think she’s going to stay away.”
“Why would she leave? Why did she go away?”
“I don’t know, Ty. I wish I did but I don’t.”
I heard the first gasping breath come out of his little body. “Bear!” he cried into my ear. “What’s going to happen to me? Oh, Bear, I’m just a little guy! I’m not big like you! What’s going to happen to me?” He was sobbing by the time he finished, clinging to me, wrenching my shirt, my hair, my skin, my insides.
I couldn’t speak. I wanted to quickly reassure him, comfort him, make him understand that I would be there, no matter what, but the words wouldn’t form. They wouldn’t come out. I looked frantically over his shoulder, searching for Anna or Creed but finding Otter, blindly through my tears. He was wiping his own eyes. No! I thought angrily. You can’t be crying! You said you would help me, so you fucking help me! Otter! Almost as if he heard me, he dropped his hands, and I saw his eyes were red, but he was still in control. I pleaded with him silently. He understood and quickly got up, coming round the table. He hunkered down next to me and the inconsolable Kid and put his hand on Ty’s back.
“Tyson, I want you to listen to me,” he said quietly, rubbing the middle of Ty’s back. “Can you do that for a moment? Can you do that for me?”
The sobs continued to rack the Kid’s body, but I felt him nod.
“Look at me, Kid,” Otter said. Ty twisted around in my lap, both his hands still wrapped in my shirt, still clinging. Otter put both his hands on either side of Ty’s head and used his thumbs to wipe away the tears. “I know it’s scary,” he continued, after Ty had calmed some. “I know it’s very scary right now. But you know who is going to take care of you because you’re just a little guy?” Ty shook his head. “Bear is. And I am. And Anna and Uncle Creed. And my mom and dad and Anna’s mom and dad. We are all going to take care of you. If you need anything, you just have to tell one of us, and we’ll do it for you. Okay?” We both nodded because as Otter said this last bit, he looked up at me.
“What about when Bear goes to school?” the Kid hiccupped out. “He’s supposed to go to school soon!” I could hear the panic edging back into his voice. “Do I have to move too? I don’t want to move! I like my room! I don’t want to leave!”
“You won’t have to,” I was finally able to say. “I’m not going to go to school right now. We can stay here, and you can keep your room.” He started crying again, this time quietly, lying against my chest. I put my chin on his forehead and rocked him gently. I felt a warm hand on my knee and knew it was Otter’s and knew I should shake my leg to get it to move, but it was comforting, and it was kind, and I couldn’t find the strength to push it away.
Anna and Creed came into sight as they crouched down next to Otter. Otter didn’t remove his hand, and I was glad. They both reached out and touched Ty on his face, his leg, his hair.
“Things aren’t going to be that much different,” Anna said finally. “You are still going to go to school and play with your friends. You can stay in your house and when Bear has to go to work, you can stay with me or Uncle Creed or Otter. I know your mom won’t be there, but we all will be. I promise, okay?”
He nodded, jerking his head just once. “What about Uncle Creed? Are you going to stay too? You’re not going to go away to school, too, right?” Creed’s shoulders sagged, and he looked up at me with an expression I’d never seen on his face before. From that look he told me that he felt he was betraying and abandoning me too. For a second, selfishly, of course, I felt he was. I knew he would go away in the fall, and I would only see him every now and then, and it wouldn’t be the same. I pushed those thoughts away, because it wasn’t about me right then, it was about the Kid. I could worry about myself later.
“Ty,” I said, choosing the words that followed carefully. “Uncle Creed is going to be here for the next couple of months, but he is going to go to school in August. That won’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore, it’s just that he has to go. I know, though, that he would rather stay here with you, but he’s got to go. He’s going to be a famous computer guy and get really rich and take us on a trip on his big boat, but to do that, he’s got to go to school, okay?” Ty nodded, and Creed looked at me like I walked on water.
“But I’m going to come back a lot, okay?” Creed said, sounding like himself. “You’ll get to see me all the time, and if you ever want to talk to me when I’m not here, you just need to have Bear call me, and we can talk however long you want. I’d rather talk to you than take some dumb computer class.”