“Then why were you and Otter fighting that night he left a long time ago?”
I hear the words come out of his mouth. I understand them individually but I don’t get them as a whole. I feel the smile on my face slide off slowly. Once again, my little brother has struck me speechless. I know he’s waiting for me to answer him, but all I can think of is how I could have been so stupid to the fact that he sees and hears everything.
“That’s not what they were arguing about,” Anna says before I could speak. I can hear the edge in her voice. My silence might as well be a confession of my sins. I’ve been so dumbstruck by his words that I’ve forgotten she’s in the room. Warning bells start clamoring in my head, and I don’t want this conversation to continue.
“What were they fighting about, then?” Ty asks Anna, and if I was that kind of person, I would strangle him right now.
“I don’t know,” Anna says evenly. “Bear? Ty wants to know what you and Otter were fighting about. You should tell him.”
Oh this is goooood, that voice whispers in my head. What are you going to say now, Bear? Are you going to coat it with sweet nothings? I mean, how hard could it be to convince the Kid he was dreaming? This could all go away so very, very easily. Or… or are you for once in y
our miserable life going to be able to tell the truth? It laughs. Are you going to be able to say how scared you were because you knew Otter was going to leave but that he was giving it up because of you? Are you going to be able to say that behind that righteous anger you so brilliantly portrayed that you felt some sense of relief? Why did you feel reprieved then? Why, Bear, why? Whyyyyyyyyyy….
Shut UP!
“Bear?” Anna says, all steel and knives. Ty hears it, too, and looks at her with concern on his face and then back at me. “Bear?” she says again. “He’s waiting.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Say SOMETHING! I scream at myself.
Yeah, Bear, it mocks. Say something.
“I was mad at Otter,” I tell Ty quietly.
“Because he’s gay?” he asks me, just as soft.
I shake my head. “I was mad because… I thought he was staying here just because of us, and I didn’t think that was fair to him.”
Ty squints at me. “But that was his choice, right?” he says, once again sounding more mature than I ever will. “I mean, if Otter didn’t want to go away, then why would you tell him to?”
“I don’t know, Ty.”
Yes, you do.
“Did you want him to go away?” he asks me, suddenly suspicious.
“No, Kid. I didn’t. But I also didn’t want him to stay here just because he… he felt he should.”
“Well,” the Kid says, sitting back on his elbows, “at least he came back. Talking to Otter on the phone isn’t the same when you know he’s far away.”
“Sure, Kid.”
“So then why are you still mad at him?” he asks me casually, ignoring Anna completely.
“Ty,” I say sternly. “No more tonight. You have school tomorrow, and it’s time for you to get ready for bed.” He groans and gets up. He walks over to Anna and hugs her, and she whispers something in his ear, and he smiles. I push him along after assuring him I will be in the bedroom to say good night after he brushes his teeth. He walks out of the living room, humming a little song to himself.
I lean back against the couch, unsure of where to go from here. I wish that Ty had waited to have this fucking conversation until we were alone. Better yet, I wish that Ty had never wanted to have this fucking conversation. I curb the anger before it can well up because I know that regardless of how smart the Kid is, he’s still a kid. This isn’t really about him, anyway; it’s about me. It’s about me, and how I’d been caught in a lie. It’s about the night that I had spent the last three years trying to forget. It’s about how that little voice in my head knows exactly where to dig up what I’ve been so hell-bent on burying. It’s about how there’s this girl, this beautiful girl whom I love with all my heart. It’s about her because I know that I’ve been caught in a net of my own making. I turn to look at her, and I can see her eyes are shiny with tears that have yet to fall. She angrily wipes her face and opens her mouth to speak when Ty calls from the bedroom to tell me he’s ready. I curse softly, but don’t I practically run out of the room? Don’t I just run?
The Kid’s already in his bed when I enter the bedroom. I close the door gently behind us and move over to his bed, sitting down near his legs and leaning back on my hands.
“Is Anna mad at me?” he asks quietly.
I am quick to answer. “No, Kid. She’s not. And I don’t want you to think otherwise, okay? She could never be mad at you for anything.”
“Are you mad at me?”
I sigh and look over at him. “No, Ty. I’m not mad at you, either. It’s just been a long day.”
He’s silent for a moment and then says, “I’m sorry I heard you and Otter fighting. I wasn’t trying to listen or anything. You were just loud.”