“Bear, shut up,” he says, cutting me off before I can become even more retarded. “You know that you’re more than welcome to stay here. I like having… people over. This house is too big to have just one person in it.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Besides,” he says wickedly, “I told Ty this morning that you guys were going to stay here. We’ve kind of already planned this.”
I try to kick him in the shins, but he’s too quick for me and dances away, laughing, always laughing.
MUCH to my surprise, the lasagna turned out pretty good. Ty relished watching every bite I took. I made him scowl at me when I told him I had put a small piece of meat in it, and he refused to eat anymore until Otter had convinced him that I was a “liar and a fat mouth.” This sent Ty off into gales of laughter, and he fell off his chair, and that got me laughing, and Otter grumbled, saying how he could never have a nice dinner anymore. Ty and I both stuck our tongues out at him, and then he threw a piece of French bread at me, and it bounced off my head and knocked over my beer. Ty tried to keep it in but was lost again to his amusement, and I took my turn and glared at Otter, but he just shrugged innocently and said it served me right for lying to a nine-year-old. I couldn’t think of anything witty to say back, so I sat there, mouth gaping like a goldfish.
Otter had even gotten the Kid more soy ice cream, so we sat in the living room, watching CNN and taking turns licking the spoon. It’s absolutely the worst stuff I’ve ever tasted in my entire life, but I didn’t want to get another threatening look from Ty, so every time he offered me a bite, I took it. Otter did, too, and once, when Ty looked back down at the bowl, Otter made a gagging face at me, and I made one back. We both started laughing, and Ty looked at me threateningly anyway.
Eventually, Ty’s eyes started to droop and his head started to nod, but he kept insisting he wasn’t tired. Then he fell asleep in mid-sentence, and I picked him up and took him to Creed’s room. He yawned as I made him put on his pajamas and brush his teeth. He grinned sleepily at the thought of sleeping in Uncle Creed’s room. Otter came in and said good night and promised him waffles for breakfast, with crunchy peanut butter and maple syrup. He kissed the Kid on the forehead and walked out the door.
I turn back to the Kid, and he smiles happily at me. “Are you going to be okay in here?” I ask.
He nods. “You’re not going to go home are you? You having a sleepover too?”
“Yeah, Kid. I’m staying here too.”
“Well, where are you going to sleep?”
To be honest, I haven’t really thought about this. Maybe because my mind has been shutting that part out all evening. But the night is almost at an end, and I’m going to have to think of something soon. I didn’t even bring any clothes to sleep in.
“I don’t know, Kid. Maybe I’ll sleep in Creed’s parents’ room.”
“Just sleep in Otter’s bed,” he tells me. “That’s right down the hall, and I can find you if I need to.”
Goddammit.
I nod slowly. “Okay. I’ll have to make sure it’s okay with Otter.”
“He won’t care. G’night, Papa Bear.”
“Night, Kid,” I say as I stand and set the lamp on its lowest setting. I close the door partway and start walking down the hallway, my mind in eight billion different places at once.
Can it really be this easy? I think. Could it really be so… quick… to be like that? I was with Anna, for Christ’s sake! We had sex and I enjoyed it! I would still be with her if I hadn’t… hadn’t….
Well, had I not kissed Otter. True, those words were never spoken out loud to her but doesn’t she have her suspicions? Didn’t she—
is he in love with you
—ask me a question no girlfriend should have asked in the first place? And why couldn’t I—
are you in love with him
—look her in the eye when I rebuked her? Why did she say I was lying? What is it that people can see that I can’t? How could she ever know when I can’t even face it myself? Why would she be so quick to point me in his direction?
I remember being almost eleven years old, watching Otter graduate high school. I remember later that summer, sitting in his room, feeling morose as I watched him packing his room to leave for college. I remember him smiling the Otter smile and sitting next to me on the bed, saying, “You look like someone died, Bear.” I remember not being able to tell him that it felt like someone had died because he was leaving. I remember watching him drive away. I remember him coming home the first time, his eyes wild with things I would never know. I remember the way I had jumped onto his back the first time I’d seen him.
I remember being fourteen and having just had sex with Anna for the first time and calling Otter right away, wanting to brag, but really wanting to feel consoled as I was scared half to death. I remember being fifteen and watching Otter graduate college. I remember him saying, “Now, they say life really begins.” I remember him laughing when I asked who “they” were.
I remember him moving back home. I remember being eighteen and my mom leaving. I remember graduating high school with Otter watching me. I remember him telling me that there was no one else who could take care of Ty like I could. I remember wanting to hit him but something entirely different happening instead.
I also remember him leaving. I remember that most of all, because I can’t ever remember a time when he wasn’t a force in my life. I remember the anger and darkness I had felt. I remember I’d been the one to chase him away. I remember him saying that he left because of his influence, but I remember that it always takes two. I remember so much; I remember too much.
I stand outside his door. I know that if I go in, everything will change. I’m almost able to reach out for the door handle, and then I do. My fingers feel the cool metal of the knob, but then I stop. It can’t be like this. It can’t be this easy. I love Anna. I love Anna. I try to remember something, anything about Anna, but my mind draws a blank. It’s like he’s erased her from me. I squeeze my eyes shut and am about to turn and go back to Creed’s room when the door opens in front of me, light and Otter spilling out to me.
“Hey,” he says, startled to see me right in front of his door. “What are you doing?”