“What?”
“Are… are you okay, Bear?” the nurse asked me, taking a step back.
“You look… angry.”
I was surprised to find I was. I was the angriest I’d ever been. I realized that a red sheen had fallen over my vision and that my jaw was clenched, my hands in fists at my sides. If she’d come here to fuck with me, with us, if she’d come here to let me know she was going to fight the petition of custody, that she was going to tell me to end things with Otter because it was against her beliefs, that it was against God… well, she was going to find a whole different kind of animal in me. I didn’t give a shit about God. I didn’t give a flying fuck about her beliefs. I sure as hell didn’t care about her. As a matter of fact, I fucking hated her. I hated her with everything I could, a black and oily thing that curdled in my sto
mach and made it harder to walk out of the room.
I gripped Otter’s hand and leaned down and kissed him on the corner of his mouth, such a gentle kiss that it seemed to negate how my insides felt.
“I’m strong,” I whispered to him, my lips still against his. “I’m strong and I will handle this. You… you need to wake up, Otter. Enough is enough, okay? It’s time for you to wake up. Come back.”
I was following the nurse before I could think further.
Well, at least she’s in the hospital already, it sighed. At least they’ll be able to treat her if you do what you plan on doing. Best place to attempt to commit matricide, I guess.
I ignored it because I was gone, at least for a moment, just enough time for me to remember when—
I REMEMBERED the last time I saw her before she left for good. I was seventeen—
almost eighteen birthday graduation oh my god it’s starting
—and I’d been getting ready for work. I’d been smiling more lately, catching my reflection in a mirror or window, seeing that smile, that grin, that knowing I had. I was about to be free. I was about to start my own life. I was about to go off and do whatever it was I’d always wanted to do. I worked my ass off to get to this point. I relied on no one but myself. I was going—
to leave the kid behind otter behind
—to finally be on my own, and I was excited and breathless. Scared out of my fucking mind, but nothing was going to stop me. Nothing was going to get in my way. Not Anna, who would watch me with those sad eyes of hers, telling me she’d hoped I never forget her, even though we were planning on staying together, both of us knowing somehow that those things don’t last. Not the Kid, who didn’t understand why he just couldn’t go with me. Not Creed, who was leaving anyways. Not Otter who….
Not Otter. It was easier to just think “not Otter.”
And most certainly not my mother. My mother, who scoffed at my plans, who told me she’d reserve judgment until I’d actually done something, until I actually followed through with my plans. “A writer?” she laughed. “No one makes any money being a writer, Bear. Jesus Christ, open your eyes. Not gonna happen.” I’d show her. I’d become what I wanted to be, become who I was, and she’d change her goddamn mind. She’d see I didn’t need her, that I never did. Once I graduated I was going to walk away and never look back. It was going to be all about me.
My birthday was the next day, and I graduated three days after that. I caught myself grinning again as I dressed for work. Only two more months, I told myself. Two more months, and you can even kiss the shitty job good-bye. Fuck the stupid grocery store, hello real world!
I walked into the kitchen, hearing the TV blare some documentary that the Kid had started getting into lately. I didn’t know why. He was just weird like that. I grabbed juice out of the fridge and was slightly startled when Mom walked in, fully dressed. It was eight in the morning. She was never up that early. And even stranger, she looked… aware. Like she knew what she was doing. Like she knew who she was. Like her brain wasn’t rattled in her head.
I felt brief unease.
“What are you doing up?” I asked her, not really caring for an answer.
“Why not?” she asked. Then she smiled. She never smiled.
“Right,” I said, wondering to myself if I’d have enough time to stop and get something to eat as there was nothing in the fridge. I reminded myself to bring something home for the Kid. He’d probably be starving by tonight.
“Have to do some grocery shopping today,” she said, chuckling as she watched me. “I’ll make sure it gets done. Is the PIN number the same on the debit card?”
I rolled my eyes. “You know I haven’t changed it. Well, you’d know if you actually went grocery shopping.”
I expected a cold rebuttal, but she just laughed again, her eyes dancing.
The unease I felt tried to morph into something more, but I shoved it away. I didn’t have time to deal with whatever she was on, which had to be the only explanation. “I gotta go to work,” I muttered at her, putting my cup in the sink. “Later.”
“Bear,” she said as I was about to walk out of the kitchen.
I stopped, but didn’t look back. “What?”
“I think things are going to get better from here on out. Just wait. You’ll see. I promise that things will be better.”