Hence the barn door, which exploded inward, sending shards of wood flying around the room in an impressively dramatic display. Say what you will about Gary and Tiggy, but they knew how to make an entrance. I loved them with everything I had.
But that didn’t mean I wanted to die. “Hide me!” I squeaked to Kevin. “Oh my gods, you have to hide me. Swallow me whole and then throw me back up later after it’s safe! Okay, wait. That sounds disgusting. Don’t do that. Just my luck, I’d cause your acid reflux to act up, and we all know how that turns out.”
“We are so dead,” Kevin groaned, eyes wide. “There is going to be nothing left of us to bury. Do you think they would show us mercy if I tied you up and flogged you in front of them? Yes, I think they will. Let’s do that. Your safeword is meatloaf.”
“Sam of Wilds!” an ominous voice intoned through the thick dust. “Prepare to meet your doom.”
“Not my doom! You know how I feel about my doom.”
“Yes. I do. Which is why I said it, you little skank.”
“Oh. Right. Continue.”
The dust began to clear, and there, in the destroyed entrance to the barn, were a hornless unicorn and a half-giant.
Tiggy stood with his big hands on his hips, scowling, but also trying hard not to smile, which made for an interesting combination as he looked me up and down, taking me in hungrily. He didn’t look all that different than the last time I’d seen him. His thin dark hair was still wispy around his head, his nose bulbous, face kind and sweet, even though he’d just smashed a heavy barn door. He was wearing trousers that came just below his knees, and a patchwork vest my mother had made for him a few years before for All Hallowed Day, which he took great care of, saying he’d never had anything so nice before.
I wanted to hug his face until it fell off.
Next to him stood Gary, the air around him shimmering with glitter. His mane and tail had been dyed with streaks of purple and pink. His chest was puffed out, one leg raised in the air, bent at the knee and—wait.
I frowned. “Are you two posing?”
Gary snorted. The sparks that came out were periwinkle and teal. “Of course not,” he growled. “That would just be ridiculous.” He flipped his mane. It settled gracefully on the other side of his head.
“Tiggy.”
“Hi, Sam!”
“Are you posing?”
“Yes.”
“Tiggy,” Gary hissed. “Remember the plan.”
Tiggy’s face scrunched up. “Oh. Right. The plan.” He bared his teeth at me. “Sam in big trouble. Gary gonna bring the pain.”
“Oh,” Gary said, slowly turning back to look at me. “That’s right.”
“I am hard as a fucking rock right now,” Kevin muttered.
“Dude!”
“What? I am.”
“Not the time!”
“It’s never the time.”
“Yes, but of all the times, this is the one where it’s the most not the time.”
“That… wow. Your Veranian really took a hit in the woods, didn’t it. Are coherent sentences hard for you?”
“Enough!” Gary bellowed.
“Meep,” Kevin and I said.
Gary and Tiggy glared at us.