“There is so much wrong about you,” I muttered. Then, “Can we please get back to my problems because I would like to talk about me some more?”
“It sounds like to me that you’re the jealous one,” Gary said.
“No! Didn’t you hear anything I said? She’s the jealous one because of the bond I share with Justin and with how much Ryan loves me and worships the ground I walk on when he’s not super pissed off at me like he is right at this very moment.”
“And where are Justin and Ryan?” Gary asked.
“With Lady Tina and the Foxy Lady Brigade at the training fields,” I snapped. “Because apparently they want to see what the women have been working on, and maybe, Sam, you should just go get some rest because you still look tired and—oh. Wait. I can see the whole jealousy thing now. Dammit. And now that I think about it, I’m really jealous. Like, it’s burning inside of me.”
“Dawning realizations are my favorite kind,” Gary said. “How I have missed you and your particular brand of self-awareness.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I decided. “Because I need that right now.”
“They love you,” Tiggy said, setting aside a chimney-sweep broom that looked as if it’d seen better days. “Like we love you.”
“Thanks, dude. That’s nice of you to—”
“Not done.”
“Oh. Right.”
“They mad, though. Like we got mad. You left.” He shrugged. “All gone. Kevin gone too. Everyone scared. Villains came and Tiggy smashed, but it not good enough. And now you here, but different. You Sam, but bigger Sam. Big big magic, you know?”
“Some people think he doesn’t have much to say,” Gary said, looking at Tiggy fondly. “They’re wrong. He only speaks the truth. There’s no filler. Not like with the rest of us.”
I glared at the both of them. “I’ve already apologized. I don’t know what else to say to get you guys to believe me.”
“Sort of like Lady Tina, right?” Gary asked.
I blinked. “Oh, you son of a—”
“Look, Sam. We’re so happy you’re home. All of us are. We’ve been waiting for you for a very long time. And during that very long time we waited, things happened. Things that you weren’t a part of.” He sighed as he shook his head. “I get it. I really do. Where you’re coming from. And it’s valid. It’s like you were stuck in time, you know? The last thing you remember about all of us was how we were when you left. But for us, time hasn’t stopped. We’ve had to move forward, and—”
“And leave me behind,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I failed quite spectacularly.
“No,” Gary said sharply. “Never that. There is a place for you here, just as there has always been. But you are different now. Just like we are. And we have to figure out how to fit again. You’re my best friend. My more unattractive sister from another mister.”
“Hey, man, I’ve met your brother now, and everything I’m hearing about your parents, maybe they’d like to—”
“I will cut out your heart and eat it in front of you.”
“I could get up on your dad,” I said, rather gleefully. “And your mom probably wouldn’t be too upset by it. She’d probably even join in. Just think, if Ryan decides I’m not worth the trouble and he seeks solace in Justin’s arms like I’m sure Lady Tina has masturbatory thoughts about (or even with Terry, what the fuck), then maybe I’ll need to find comfort somewhere else. I could be your stepfather. I wonder what it’s like to be between two unicorns? I bet it’s cosmic.”
Gary was on his feet in a split second. “You wouldn’t d
are.”
“Sam gonna get some unicorn?” Tiggy asked, cocking his head.
“Maybe,” I said. “We’re all different now, right? Maybe that’s a thing Sam of Dragons likes. Get me some ’corn.”
“Really,” Gary said, a glint in his eyes. “Then you wouldn’t mind making out with me, if you like unicorns now.” He took a step toward me.
I swallowed thickly but put on my brave face. “Of course not. That sounds… just. Like. So hot.”
“Yeah?” Gary said, voice dropping an octave or two. I was sure it was supposed to be erotic, but it caused my balls to shrivel. “I’ve got a very long tongue. Could probably lick all the way down to your lungs with the tip.”
“Wow,” I said weakly. “That sounds… invasive.”