“He’s… repeating… material,” I managed to say. “Not… funny… the second time….”
“But we are truly in the presence of greatness tonight, aren’t we? I am thrilled to have been invited by the emissaries to the Prince of Verania, General Gary and Major Tiggy. Give them a hand, folks, won’t you?”
“General and Major?” Justin said, standing next to the stage. “What the hell—”
Gary stood up taller next to Tiggy, flipping his mane unnecessarily. “Thank you,” he said to the smattering of applause. “Just happy to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, please. Stop. I didn’t actually mean stop. My gods, do none of you know what humble looks like? A lost cause, all of you.”
“I like pine cones,” Tiggy said, waving jovially at the crowd.
“Yes, yes, if there has ever been a more capable duo, then I’ve never met them,” Zal said. “Granted, I’ve never met any other unicorn or half-giant, so I could be completely wrong.”
“Wow, we didn’t pay you to insult us,” Gary said loudly. “Only Sam.”
“Funny, that,” Zal said. “You haven’t yet paid me at all. But! I digress. Before we move on to the main event, please enjoy this brief word from our sponsor, which helps to pay the bills since unicorns are apparently cheap as all hell.”
“Excuse you, you strange whore!”
Zal exited stage left, and that same godsdamn man who’d been with the bard the first time with the same godsdamn receding hairline walked onto the stage, looking bored as he frowned down at the dirty piece of parchment in his hands. When he spoke, his voice was as monotonous as ever. “Does your life seem as if it has lost any and all meaning? Is your plumbing backed up? Do you wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of the shadow monster on the ceiling that is about to descend and feast on your innards? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then have I got some great news for you. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Just one sip and your life will be bright, your bowels will be tight, and you’ll be able to sleep all through the night. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Buy it today.” He dropped his voice and spoke rapidly. “Dr. Troy is under royal decree to disclose that he is not a real doctor, has never been to medical school, and makes the elixir in his shack in the woods. It should not be consumed by children, pregnant women, or really anyone who doesn’t want to run the risk of learning what it feels like to have their insides pour to their outsides from every available orifice. It can be given to animals, but be advised that it will drive them mad and they will attack you until you are nothing but a pile of bone and gristle and regret.”
He scurried off the stage.
“I… hate… everyone,” I hissed out.
“I’m having such a wonderful time,” Gary said. “Tiggy. Oh, Tiggy. Are you having a wonderful time?”
“Eh,” Tiggy said. “Feels like unnecessary rehash.”
“I suppose,” Gary said. “But everything is so different now, you know there are going to be people who complain when things aren’t exactly like they used to be.”
“What… the hell… are you talking… about?”
Gary flipped his mane prettily. “Never you mind. Oh, look! Zal is back. What fun this is going to be!”
“Your brother weighs less than you,” I snarled.
“You bitch! Why, if I wasn’t already sitting down to hear whatever mess is going to pour fro
m the bard’s mouth, you’d be dead. You hear me, Haversford? Dead.”
“Thank you, Jerome,” Zal said, strumming his lute. “You are a beacon of beauty in a darkened world.”
Jerome curled his hand into a fist and moved it up and down quickly, rolling his eyes.
“Indeed!” Zal said. “Now, I haven’t been to the Port in ages, and I see it still smells like fishy death. Don’t ever change, you hear me? I mean, why would you when you can literally taste the thick seafood fog in the air?”
“Thank you!” someone called out in the crowd. “That’s very kind of you!”
“I know,” Zal said easily. “But I must admit I didn’t have plans to stay here. After all, when one’s country has been taken over by Dark wizards, one tends to keep on moving, especially when one is a bard, as everyone knows a bard is most likely one of the most highly sought-after individuals in the country at the moment.”
“Bards are the worst,” I ground out, sure that my face was turning blue.
“But just as soon as Jerome and I were about to pass this place right on by, who did I hear shrieking delightfully after me but my old friends Gary and Tiggy, who I met ages ago in a tiny little hamlet that somehow managed to avoid eradication by Dark wizards. But that’s only because no one actually wants to go there.”
Silence. Well, until someone coughed.
“Yeesh,” Zal said, completely unaffected. “Tough crowd. Moving on. I was told by Gary and Tiggy that our savior had returned to us after a long and arduous absence, and that is something I had to see for myself.” He grinned down at me as I flailed, trying to move Terry’s fat ass. “Sam! How lovely of you to make an appearance. Things have certainly changed since last we met. Once you were on a quest to save a prince, and now you’re tasked with saving the world. Talk about a promotion. How are you feeling tonight?”
“Like I’m being suffocated!”