“I love you guys,” Tiggy said happily.
Everyone turned to look at me.
“Um,” I said.
They waited.
I glanced at Randall.
He grinned at me, motioning for me to continue.
I hated him with every fiber of my being.
So I decided to throw him under the carriage. “Randall had it!”
Randall rolled his eyes.
“That’s impossible,” Gary said. “I sniffed him when you came back. And even though I wanted to demand he tell me where it was, I allowed you to have your talk with him. Well guess what, Sam? The time for words is over. We’re about to throw down. Fight me!”
“This is so erotic,” Kevin said to the Foxy Lady Brigade, who looked as if they might agree. Well, most of them did, anyway. Lady Tina looked as if she had bitten into a lemon and then punched herself in the face.
“He had covered it in magic cloth,” I said. “That blocked anyone from being able to sense it.”
“I have no idea what he’s talking about,” Randall said. “Magic cloth? What flights of fancy are these? I’m old and senile and incapable of doing whatever Sam is saying.”
“Why are you like this?”
He looked at me blandly. “I’m old, Sam. I’ve earned it.”
I turned back to Gary. “You know he had it. Terry told you he did.”
“Wow,” Terry said. “Maybe leave me out of this, huh, Sam? Don’t involve me in your plots against my brother, who I love and respect more than anything—”
Gary immediately stopped leaking glitter. “Okay,” he said. “Unicorn Rage Sickness gone, because I know Terry is full of shit. Respect? You don’t respect me. Anytime I came over to your house, you made me sit on plastic because you said I would leak semen on all of your furniture!”
Tiggy snorted but then covered it up with a cough.
“Maybe you should just give him back his horn,” Ryan whispered.
“I’m trying. And maybe you should stop flirting with his brother!”
“I’m not flirting with his brother!”
“Oh please. I’ve seen the way you look at his haunches when he’s walking away. You know I’m trying to set him up with Justin.”
“What,” Justin said.
Ryan looked horrified. “His haunches? Are you out of your mothercracking mind? And when the hell did you tell me you were trying to set him up with Justin?”
I frowned. “Oh. Wait. I just thought of that like two minutes ago. My bad. But still. You’ve ridden him. I’ve been back for days, and you haven’t ridden me at all!”
“Well,” Dad sighed to Mom, “at least we can say we tried.”
Mom squinted at him. “We can?”
“Maybe we can talk about this later?” Ryan said through gritted teeth.
“My sex life is doomed,” I moaned.