Joe said, “What? What are you—”
“I lost you,” I said, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But he needed to hear it from me. And I needed to tell him. “I don’t know if you remember. But it was my fault.”
He was watching me, but I couldn’t look at him. “What are you talking about?” he asked slowly.
“In Caswell,” I said through gritted teeth. “You were—I was supposed to be watching you. Dad told me to. I was with my friends. I thought you were annoying. You begged for me to wait up, that we were going too fast. But I didn’t. I kept on going. And then I couldn’t hear you anymore, and I was relieved. It was small and quick but I still felt it.”
“Why?” Joe asked. There was no censure in his voice, no anger.
“Because you were the little king. You were so important. Dad was always telling everyone how you’d be Alpha, that you were born to lead. That you’d become something great, and even though I told myself I didn’t care about that, I did.” My face burned with shame. I blinked rapidly. “It wasn’t fair of me to be like that.”
“You were a kid,” Kelly said. “You couldn’t—”
I shook my head. “I was the oldest. I am the oldest. It was my job to protect you. And I… I failed.” The last word broke. I tried to recover. “I thought it didn’t matter. That Joe would run home and tell Dad how I’d ditched him, and I’d roll my eyes because the little king was telling on me, and Dad would get mad, and I’d think, there, little king. Are you happy? Are you happy now?” I hung my head. “I hated myself for feeling like that. It wasn’t your fault. You had no choice in the matter. And then you were just… gone.”
Joe let my hand go. I thought he was angry. I thought he would rage at me, scream with his eyes flooding red, his Alpha voice rolling over me.
He didn’t.
All I felt from him was blue.
He touched my ear. The side of my face.
He said, “I think Dad might have loved Richard. More than just as pack. More than friends.”
Kelly inhaled sharply.
“I don’t know that for sure. I don’t have any proof. But I think he did. He loved Mom, completely and fully, and she was his mate, even if he didn’t really like that word.” He pressed his hand against my chest, pushing me onto my back on the ground. My coat was thick, but I could still feel the cold seeping in. Joe turned, pointing his legs away from me, laying his head on my stomach. Kelly curled in the crook of my arm, his face against my throat. Joe said, “I asked Mark once if he was ever jealous of Richard. For being Dad’s second when it could have been him. You know what he told me?”
“What?” Kelly asked.
“He said he was hurt by it at first. But then Dad came to him and told him that it wasn’t meant to be a slight. He said that they were brothers and that nothing could ever come between them. Mark didn’t understand it right away. But I think he saw it. Dad and Richard. And he hates himself sometimes for not seeing Richard for what he truly was. I think about that a lot. How they could have been so blind. But then I remember that they’d just witnessed the slaughter of their pack. How Robert Livingstone had leveled an entire block because his wife had just murdered his tether. And then it makes sense to me. You hold on to what you can when all is crumbling around you, even if it’s poisoned and dark. It’s all you know.” He turned his head against my stomach, breathing me in. “Can you imagine what that must have been like for him? To be betrayed like that. To have someone like Richard strike so close to home.”
“It’s not an excuse,” Kelly said, and he was angry. “He should have known. He trusted too easily. Michelle. Richard. Osmond. All of them.”
“He tried to see the good in people,” Joe argued. “He was an Alpha.” Then, “I remember, Carter. I remember it all.”
I couldn’t speak. The lump in my throat was too large. A bird flew high above us, its wings black against the sky. It sang a lonely song as it passed in front of the pale moon.
“I don’t blame you,” Joe said. “I never have and I never will. You didn’t know. How could you? None of us did. And that’s not our fault. We were kids. We shouldn’t have had to worry about monsters. About being taken to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and having my body broken again and again and again.”
I put my hand on the side of his head, my fingers trailing over his lips.
“I have these scars,” Joe whispered. “Except I’m a wolf, so they’ve healed. But I know. I feel them. We all have them. If we were human, we’d be covered in them. I think about that all the time. How we’d look if everyone could see the map of our lives etched into our skin. But they’re hidden.” He kissed the tips of my fingers. “Because we have to be strong. That’s who we are. And I don’t think that’s always fair.”
I said “Joe” and “Oh my god” and “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” he said. “When Dad found me, when he picked me up and promised me nothing would ever hurt me again, I remember thinking through the haze he couldn’t know that. It wasn’t a lie, but it felt like a promise he couldn’t keep. And even though I was locked away in my head, even though I couldn’t speak, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see you. The both of you. Because I was safe when I was with you.”
A tear slid down the corner of my eye, catching on my ear. “I….”
He said, “It wasn’t your fault. He would have taken me one way or another. You can’t blame yourself for something he did. But you do, don’t you? Every day. It’s why you went after Gavin like you did.”
“Maybe,” I whispered.
“I get it,” he said. “We’re lost without a connection. We’re wolves, but it’s still what makes us human. Not necessarily a tether, though I think it’s close.” He shook his head. “I was jealous of the two of you.”
“You were?” Kelly asked. “Why?”