“Are you hitting on him?” I asked Lartin.
“No! I was just pointing out similarities of the situations.”
“I think he was hitting on you,” I told Gary.
Gary looked back at Lartin and sized him up. Then he did that thing that I swear only unicorns can do. His blue eyes got impossibly big. His eyelashes lengthened as he fluttered them at Lartin. His mane was luminous in the darkened cave, and he purred, “Well aren’t you precious.”
“Ew,” I said. “Seriously.”
Lartin blushed. “Oh, stop it.”
“Does Little Lartin want to come out to play?” Gary asked, batting his eyes.
“I wish I were anywhere else but where I am,” I said to no one in particular
“Maybe,” Lartin said, trying for coy but somehow landing on straight-out creepy.
Gary giggled. He giggled. “Well, maybe I should tell you that my tongue is fifteen inches of the best thing you’ll ever have.”
“Yuck,” I said. “That just sounds excessive.”
“I’ve never done it with a horse,” Lartin said. “Sounds… illuminating.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t have said that,” I told him.
“Horse?” Gary snarled. The pretty unicorn act dropped immediately. Red sparks shot from his nose. “Did you just call me a horse? Listen here, you two-legged bag of shit. I’m not a motherfucking horse. I am a unicorn, and I am magic and a beautiful creature made of fucking sunshine and rainbows and good feelings.”
“I knew it,” I whispered.
“Get your ass over here so I can stomp on your face,” Gary said to Lartin. “Untie me, lie down on the ground, and let me stomp your face.”
“You don’t have a horn,” Lartin pointed out.
“That’s just rude,” I said. “I didn’t point out that your nose is really big. Why would you say something like that?”
“Sam,” Gary said tearfully. “He called me a horse.”
“Hey,” I said. “Hey. Look at me.”
He did. His eyes were wet, and I wanted to punch Lartin in the spleen.
“Who is the most beautiful unicorn in all of Verania?”
“Me,” Gary sniffed.
“And who has the prettiest mane?”
“Me.”
“And who is a badass motherfucker who’ll gut a bitch?”
“Me!”
“Damn right.”
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”