And, of course, that traitorous little voice in my head said that maybe if I had my cornerstone well in place, this wouldn’t be an issue. That was a thought I banished to the farthest recesses of my mind.
“What is this?
” Ryan said, sounding closer than he had before. I looked over and could see him through the forest, arms still above his head, tree limbs groaning as they moved him slowly forward.
“Dimitri,” Gary sighed.
“Who is Dimitri?”
“Ha-ha,” I said weakly. “So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king.”
There was silence. Then, “Of course you did.”
I scowled at him even though he couldn’t see me. “It wasn’t my fault! He wanted to marry me and I told him I didn’t see him like that and he got mad!”
“Yeah,” Gary muttered. “Because that’s the whole story.”
“Close enough!”
“Everything wants to have sex with you,” Ryan said in disbelief. “Literally everything.”
“That tree didn’t,” I reminded him. “That was all you. Way to go. You got wood.”
“Ha!” Tiggy said. “Puns.”
“Not funny,” Ryan said. “I’m still traumatized. There were… leaves. Near my… you know.”
“Your cock?” Gary asked. “Dick? Your dong? Man tube? Baby maker? Your balls and chain?”
“Gary!” I said as I stepped over a fallen tree.
“Sorry. Your penis. Jeez. Prude.”
“Just how mad is this Dimitri?” Ryan asked.
Oh. That. “Um. Very? Like, I might have led him on in hopes of escaping? And then left him at the altar?”
“What?” Ryan said.
“Fairy weddings work very fast,” I said. “One minute I was minding my own business doing absolutely nothing in the Dark Woods and the next I was wearing flowers in my hair while a fairy named Harry was asking me to recite my vows.”
“Your vows,” Ryan said and great. We were back to that repeating thing again.
“I forgot about those,” Gary said with a snort. It came out as purple this time, but was muted because of the fairy ring. “You made them up off the top of your head while trying to figure out how we were going to get away.”
“It lovely,” Tiggy said. “Pretty words.”
“So, let me get this straight,” Ryan said. “You entered into the Dark Woods again, knowing that Morgan told you to avoid them. You’ve been attacked by Dark wizards in said woods and now you are telling me you almost got gay fairy married to a fairy named Dimitri by a fairy named Harry. And you still go into them. All the time.”
“Yes. But, to be fair, all those other things happened way on the other side of the Dark Woods, so you really can’t fault me for thinking they wouldn’t happen here.”
“I’m coming under the impression that these things happen no matter where you go.”
“That’s… pretty much true,” Gary said.
“Shut up, Gary,” I growled.
“Mean. Just for that, I’m going to recite your wedding vows.”