“Nope,” I said. “Nope, nope, nope. This is not going to be a thing.”
“…the Drumond sisters,” he said, completely overriding me. “Now, the Drumond sisters were lookers, and both of them seemed to be in love with me. And by lookers, I mean you looked at them and said, eh, why not? But given the size of my…”
“Oh gods no,” I whispered.
“…heart, I could not choose between them. Needless to say, they were extraordinarily jealous of each other, but I made sure to spread my time equally between them so each of them could have a little bit of Randall. Now back in those days, it wasn’t required that one be accompanied by a chaperone. It certainly made things easier when we wanted to…”
“It’s like we aren’t even here,” Ryan said in awe.
“…go dancing. Now people are so concerned with virtue and innocence that they are blinded to the fact that when people get together, sex happens. We are held by societal standards that the body needs to be covered up and that we need to speak in prim and proper tones and words. Why, back in my day, clothing was optional! If you didn’t want to wear trousers, you didn’t have to! It was okay to go out and for everyone to see your…”
“My stomach hurts,” Gary said.
“…dedication to freeing your spirit from the confines of rigid morals and ethics that had no bearing on who we were as individuals and as a whole. But, I digress. The Drumond sisters were more than willing to step out with me, knowing my position on clothing and they never had to worry about my…”
“I no wear pants now,” Tiggy said, reaching for his waist.
“Sam, Randall had better be wearing pants when we’re at Castle Freeze Your Ass Off,” Gary warned. “I am not traveling across the country just to have to spend four months in an ice castle with an old naked wizard.”
“Tiggy, put your pants back on!” I shouted as he ran around laughing, bits and bobs flopping around.
“No!”
“I feel like this is pretty much your lives all the time,” Ryan said.
“We normally don’t get naked this much,” Gary said.
“You’re naked all the time,” I said to Gary. “You don’t wear clothes. By definition, you’re a nudist.”
“Just because I have no body issues, Sam.”
“I don’t have body issues!”
“Then take off your clothes!”
“Fine!” I handed Ryan the crystal and my hands went to the buttons on my trousers, unsnapping them quickly and efficiently. “I’ll show you body issues.”
“Whaaaat?” Ryan said, eyes wide.
I slid my pants down to my ankles to prove a point. “See! I don’t give a shit.”
“Holy shit,” Gary said. “You’ve got a gigantic—”
“…personality to think I’d ever be okay with dating two women at once,” Randall said, oblivious to everything else. “And so I told them that I—”
“This wasn’t what I had in mind,” I said, face flushing, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to bend down and pull my trousers back up. I was frozen solid.
Gary said, “You certainly are… packing. My, my, my. Little Sam is all grown up, isn’t he?”
“Whaaaaaat?” Ryan said, eyes glazing over.
“Are you hitting on me?” I squeaked.
“No!” Ryan said, flushing brightly.
“Uh. I was talking to Gary?” Weird. Why would Ryan think I was talking to him?
“No,” Gary said. “I was merely extolling virtues that I didn’t know you possessed. I could never hit on you. You’re like my much older, less fortunate stepsister.”