He sighed and then proceeded to say the worst possible thing he could. “Look. If it has to do with this whole cornerstone business, I understand. I do. Probably more than you could ever know. It’s hard when the person you want can’t be the cornerstone you need.”
Everything fired at once in my brain and I was left gaping at the crystal, trying to say something, anything to get him to shut up and not say another godsdamn word because Ryan was standing right there, looking at me like he had a billion questions and I didn’t know how I was going to answer a single one. Then I remembered that neither Gary or Tiggy knew who my cornerstone was and thoughts did flood in, and they were all fury and rage, and how many ways I could turn Randall’s nose back into a dick so I could castrate him twice.
So to make the situation better, I opened my mouth and said, “Uhhh,” like a boss.
Gary narrowed his eyes at me.
Tiggy looked surprised.
Ryan was confused.
“Oops,” Randall said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest.
“Your what?” Gary asked dangerously.
“You know?” Tiggy said.
“What the hell is a cornerstone?” Ryan asked.
“Oh no!” I said loudly. “It’s getting late. We really should get moving. Long distance to travel. Princes to save. Dragons to vanquish. Much too late to waste time talking about nonsensical things that have no bearing on our current situation.”
“Like that’s ever stopped you,” Randall said.
“You’re not wearing a watch,” Gary pointed out helpfully.
“I can tell by the sun,” I said through gritted teeth.
“It not noon yet,” Tiggy said.
“He’s just feeling bashful,” Randall said.
I was going to turn all his appendages into penises so I could castrate him multiple times. There would be so much castration, everyone who saw would be like, dude, that’s probably a bit excessive with how much you’re castrating him. And I would turn and say it will never be enough. “Wonderful, Randall,” I said, even though it came out a bit more murderous than I had intended. In fact, everything about me seemed to scream murder right at that moment, if the looks on everyone’s faces said anything about it. “This conversation has been most illuminating. I’ll be sure to properly thank you upon my arrival to Castle Freesias.”
“That sounded like a threat,” Randall said. He didn’t sound intimidated in the slightest.
“Why would I threaten you?” I asked. “I’m only an apprentice, after all.”
“Would you look at that!” Randall said. “How did that tunnel get here that I have no choice but to walk into? I’m about to lose you on the summoning crystal. Very shoddy connection. It’s… getting… harder… can’t… hear….”
The crystal went dark.
“He just hung up on you again, didn’t he?” Gary asked.
“Yes. Okay! Time to go. We have twenty minutes to make up. I think we should do sprints. Silent sprints with no talking because that would be difficult.” I hated the words as soon as they came out of my mouth because I’d just voluntarily suggested running. Running was stupid and it did nothing to make a person healthier. It was boring and lame and I wanted to do so much running right now. As fast as I could.
“You hate running,” Gary said.
And I hated unicorns, but I didn’t say anything about that now, did I? “Turning over a new leaf.”
“Oh? Was it laying on your leaf bed of lies?” he asked.
“That… that didn’t even make sense.”
“It sounded better in my head,” he admitted. “Like, devastating, even. I honestly expected tears from all the devastation.”
“I’m not devastated.”
“I’ll think of something later,” he said. “You’ll be gutted emotionally and you’ll cry and I shall emerge victorious.”