“Now that you mention it, I’m kind of—”
“So, as I was saying, you were right about the fan clubs.”
“Of course I was,” I said. “I’m right about most things. And the things I’m not right about are frivolous and have no bearing on anything anywhere. Ever.” I looked back at Gary and Tiggy in time to see Tiggy slipping some money to the man they were talking to. That was definitely not good.
Ryan leaned forward, putting his hands on the table, spreading out his fingers. They were very nice-looking fingers, which of course led to thoughts of what those fingers could be used for. I had half an erection hidden underneath the table. Penises are seriously inconvenient sometimes. “You ever been to one of those meetings?” he asked casually.
And before I could even begin to think of a way to lie myself out of that one, Gary saved the day by coming back over to the table and saying, “You bitches talking about stuff?”
“Talkin’ ’bout,” Tiggy said as he followed Gary.
“What were you doing over there?” I asked him.
“Nothing,” Gary said, when he really meant something.
“Gary.”
“Sam,” he mocked.
I wasn’t going to take his shit. I went for the easy way out. “Tiggy. Buddy. Love. My sweet, sweet giant of man.”
“Pretty Sam,” he said, running a big hand over my head. “Sweet Sam.”
“What were you guys talking about over there?”
He put a finger on my lips and squashed my nose. “Shh, Sam,” he said. “Shh, shh, shh.”
“Mmmph! Mhmmmph!”
“You two looked cozy,” Gary said, looking between me and Ryan. “We interrupting something?”
“I was just telling Sam about the fan club meeting I ran into midafternoon the day before we left the castle.”
“Fan club,” Gary said flatly. “Midafternoon.”
Ryan had the decency to blush. “Apparently I have fans? And they meet?”
“At meetings,” Gary said, eyes burning into me as Tiggy still shushed me. “The day before we left the castle. Now, isn’t that just interesting.”
My eyes went wide. He knew. Godsdamn perceptive unicorns!
“Sam,” Gary said, because he was evil. “Weren’t you at a meeting the day before we left the castle? A secret meeting that none of us know anything about? That you often attend? By yourself?”
“Mmmmph! MMMPH!”
“Tiggy, dear,” Gary said. “Let Sam breathe. I’m sure whatever he’s about to say will be most enlightening. Wouldn’t want him to die by getting fingered to death or whatever it is you’re doing.”
“I no finger Sam,” Tiggy said, insulted. “I no finger him to death.” He pulled his hand away, and I pulled in a great, gasping breath.
“Stop… saying… fingering,” I panted.
Gary’s nose wrinkled. “Well, when you say it like that, it does sound unappealing. But back to the topic at hand. Sam. Love. Sweet pea. Meat muffin. Did you hear that you and Ryan attended meetings on the same day at around the same time?”
“Gosh!” I exclaimed. “What an amazing coincidence! No two people have ever had meetings at the same time before!”
“Hmmm,” Gary said. “I’m surprised you two didn’t corner each other.”
“Zing,” Tiggy said. “So much zing.”