nbsp; “Fire geckos?” Gary said.
“Fire geckos.” I sighed. “I fucking hate fire geckos. Why do so many things in the Dark Woods want to see me dead?”
“Or gay fairy married.” Ryan pulled out his sword and shield. “Can’t forget about your ex.”
“He’s not my ex,” I snapped at him. “I am having a good day and we’re not talking about Dimitri.”
“Oh no,” Ryan snarked. “We’ll just talk about Sloan Fontaine and Wesley York IV. Gods, could they have more douchebag-sounding names?”
“They’re not real!”
“You’re not real.”
“That was weak sauce, dude.”
“Yeah. I’ll admit. That wasn’t my best.”
“As adorable as you two are being right now,” Gary said, “there is the matter of fire geckos that we have to worry about.”
“Fucking fire geckos,” I muttered. I could already hear them snapping and snarling in the Dark Woods. It sounded like a shit ton of them. Mean little bastards, they were. The biggest would stand on its hind legs at about two feet tall. Their skin was mottled red and gray and orange. Their teeth were sharp, and that they could expel fire from their skin made them all the more vicious. That and the fact that they tended to swarm and had a penchant for fully cleaning their kill and leaving nothing but bits of glistening bones.
“Maybe we should—”
“There they are!” a voice cried out from behind us.
We all turned.
Coming out of the woods behind us were two Dark wizards.
“Motherfuckers,” I groaned. “Are you serious?”
“At last!” one of them cried. “We have found you.”
“At last,” I mocked, my voice going high-pitched. “You have found us.”
They appeared a bit taken aback by my sarcasm. Good. They deserved it. I was having a fucking good day.
“You would do well to bite your tongue, apprentice,” the Dark said. His hands were twitching at his sides, and I could feel his magic building. He was stronger than the ones at the restaurant weeks before.
“So I’ve been told.” I took a step back and felt Ryan at my side, shoulder to shoulder. Tiggy and Gary were behind us, looking back toward the Dark Woods and the approaching fire geckos, still hidden in the forest.
“Er,” the other Dark said. “Why is that tree on fire?”
“Did you light the tree on fire?” the first Dark said. He sounded as if he were offended. “This is an old-growth forest. That tree is at least three hundred years old! Why would you murder it? They’re not made to burn. They’re made to hug and give us oxygen and shade on a hot summer day.”
Great. Hippie Darks. Fantastic. “I didn’t murder it,” I said.
“Did you hug it before you sent it up in flames?” he demanded.
“How is this your life?” Ryan asked, staring at me.
“Why are you looking at me like this is my fault?” I asked.
“Because you’re the common denominator in all the crazy,” he said. “I thought that much was obvious.”
I rolled my eyes as he flourished his sword, obviously trying to show off. It wasn’t working. Sort of. My penis thought it was working. “Hey, remember the last time we went up against a bunch of Darks and you were dashing and immaculate. Oh. Wait. You weren’t. Because you didn’t do anything. I did.”
“Oh gods,” Gary muttered. “Not again.”