SO, THAT turned out to be a huge clusterfuck.
Because of course it did.
And I felt bad for Justin. I really did.
Still hated him with a fiery passion.
But I felt bad.
(And then I remembered the whole comment about having Ryan on his hands and knees and I didn’t feel that bad anymore.)
I told the others I needed to speak to Morgan in private. “Wizarding things,” I said, going for ominous and instead sounding slightly manic.
Tiggy looked pissed off.
Gary looked murderously at Justin.
Kevin stared at Gary.
Ryan stared at me.
Justin said, “I don’t get why we have to wait. We’re not even going with you.”
Tiggy scowled.
Gary started sweating glitter.
Kevin stared at Gary.
Ryan stared at me.
Justin said, “Gods. Call Morgan. The sooner you’re done, the sooner we can go.”
“Yes, my lord,” I managed to say without it coming out sounding like I was about to descend into Unicorn Rage. I didn’t think it’d be practical for both Gary and I to be raining glitter. It didn’t even cross my mind that I, in fact, could not descend into Unicorn Rage and was not made up of glitter and sunshine on my insides. My insides, at that moment, were a cold, dark thing where good feelings went to die horrible, painful deaths.
I couldn’t see the keep by the time I felt I was a good distance away. I wondered briefly if they could no longer understand Kevin, as it most likely had to do with his proximity to me, but it was a passing thought. I had a feeling that the dragon would be following us to Castle Freesias whether we wanted him to or not, given how enamored he was of Gary. Hopefully, he’d meet another person to become infatuated with. Or a raccoon. Or a tree. Or a well-built barn. I didn’t really think that Kevin was that discerning in his tastes. After all, he’d kidnapped Justin. That alone should speak volumes about the type of things he was attracted to.
And that sounded a lot less bitter in my head.
I pulled out the summoning crystal, vowing to not let Morgan know anything was wrong, to tell him we’d been able to rescue Justin, the quest went A-OK, and Ryan and the Prince would soon be returning to Castle Lockes while we continued north. I would be a man about this, having done my duty with a minimal amount of bloodshed. It was a proud day. Everyone would be thrilled.
“Sam?” Morgan said as the crystal lit up. “Are you—?”
“We rescued Justin,” I said and thought shut up shut up SHUT UP, but, of course, it was no use. “We rescued Justin but not before we got captured by a cult who fed us corn of truth and made me confess that I’m creepy and go to Ryan Foxheart Fan Club meetings in disguise because I want to put my penis on his heart. But then the corn of truth made him tell me that he gets a boner every time I do magic or breathe or walk or exist and then I was sacrificed by the cult to a sexually aggressive dragon named Kevin who said I have lips made for sucking cock. He kidnapped me and took me back to his keep and Justin was there, and then Ryan rode Gary in to save us even though it was totally racist, it was consensual racism because Gary said that was okay for reasons I really don’t understand yet. Then Ryan fought the dragon, but not really, because Kevin is in love with Gary and then Justin told me he’s plowed Ryan like a field before he figured out that Ryan is my cornerstone and told him to his face, and Ryan is pissed off at me because I lied to him about it, but I didn’t mean to. Oh, and we were attacked by Darks and fire geckos and somehow, the Darks shot me with lightning and I redirected it and took out the fire geckos and the Darks ran away. And also? I think I might be in love with him. No. Scratch that. I am. Pretty much an all-consuming, forever kind of love that is really gross for other people to witness because I want to stare lovingly in his eyes and call him boo and mini-muffin. It’s awful to say that out loud. I know. But I don’t give a fuck because I want him to be my mini-muffin. Is that so bad? I don’t think that’s bad. Well, maybe a little bad. Okay, it’s awful, but you know what? I deserve to be awful. I want to be able to be the most awful thing ever seen. Wait. That doesn’t sound right. What the hell were we talking about? I don’t even know anymore. It’s just this whole… thing, you know? Of course you do. You know everything. You always have. You probably knew I was going to call you like this. Because you’re my berry sunshine. Gods. This fucking sucks. Stupid fucking Prince and stupid fucking Ryan. Fuck all this noise.”
Silence.
“So,” I said, remembering my manners. “How are you?”
“Um,” Morgan said. “Good. And so is the King. And your mom. And your dad. Who are standing right next to me. And just heard every word you said.”
“Well I’ll be fucked,” I said. “Okay. Uh. Ignore everything I just said. That was just… a test. To see… if you could… hear me. Rambling. About stuff. And obviously you all could, so the test is successful and I’ll just be going—”
“He’s your cornerstone?” my mother asked quietly, and it’d been so long since I’d heard her voice that I didn’t know if I could trust myself to speak. “Oh, Sam.”
“It’s fine,” I said roughly.
“It’s not fine,” Dad said. “You’re not fine, and don’t you pretend otherwise. How long have you known?”