“I’ll be honest,” I said. “That’s rather embarrassing. And also? So many remarks make much more sense now. I really need to be more aware of my surroundings.”
And then I walked into a large boulder.
“Oh, honey.” Gary didn’t miss a beat. “It was embarrassing for all of us.”
The ninth night.
“I JUST didn’ unnerstan, ya know?” I slurred. I reached down and knocked back the rest of my wine. The tavern was loud around us. “You wanna be with someone, so why not just be with them? I mean, seriously. Right? Come on. Just. Just be. Ya know? I mean, there’s ways to be stuff. Together. I didn’t even know, ya know? And then the corn told us the truth and I was like… just. There, man. I was just. There. I don’t know. Refill, barkeep. Yeah, I’m talking to you. All right! Ha, ha! No, don’t be stingy. Fill it alllll the way up. That’s nice. Keep the tab flowing. Or open. Whatever. Words are hard. This wine is good. Wine! Get in my mouth, wine! Ha. I’m wining and whining. What was I saying? Oh. Right. Ya know? So he was all, like, I love you, babe, but I promised my dick to the stupid fucking Prince. And I was all, like, Shoot, girl, I don’t even need you. I got this. I’m my own man. Ya know? And he was all, like, But, babe. You make me feel so alive. I’m not dashing or immacular. Immaculen. Immaculy. But babe. I’m not dashing or awesome without you. And I was all, like, Shoot, girl. Shut up. Ya know? I don’t know. And now we’re going to go back to the castle and they’ll be wedding each other. And I’ll have to be there. Who… who does that? Ya know? Like. Who does that? Jerks is who does that, that’s who. Jerks. And I have to be in the wedding, ya know? They’ll be all happy and stupid and I’ll be—holy crap I love this song. Play it louder! PLAY IT LOUDER! Yeah. Whoo! Don’t you feel like dancing? I do. Not like waltz dancing because that’s just stupid. Even if it’s three times, ya know? Waltzing for three times with a single person means nothing. I did it twice with Todd and he had these ears that were just. Ya know? And so what if I accidently gave him a hand job. So. What. I bet I’d give good hand jobs. I don’t have any complaints about the hand jobs that I do to myself. In fact, I would so far as to say they’re pretty darn good, ya know? The right amount of grip and everything. And when I’m done? You know what I do when I’m done? I thank myself because I am a considerate lover, okay? Ya know? I’m nice when I finish. I tell myself how good it was for me, didn’t I think so? Barkeep! Bar. Keep. Fill me up. Just leave the bottle. It’s easier. Where was I? Oh. Right. So I didn’t even want to go to the Ryan Stupidheart Fucker Fan Fucking Club meeting to begin with, ya know? I went because I was just checking to make sure there were no spies or whatever. No one to infiltrate the castle or whatever. Tina, man. Tina would infiltrate the castle, ya know? Because she’s just…. Gods. She thinks my muffins are dry as my conter… constant. As dry as my consternation. Or whatever. My muffins aren’t fucking dry, Tina. Ya know? That’s what I say to her and she’s all like. Like. Like, Mervin. She said. She goes, Mervin. You make me mad because you’re all witty and awesome and so fucking cool and I’m not because I’m a teenage bitch who wants to play with Ryan’s dong. Or whatever. Ya know? I mean. Who does that? Right? Who does that? Sorry. Sorry. Man. Sorry. What’s your name again?”
The elderly woman I was talking to stared at me. “Um. You just sat here and started talking and never asked me for my name.”
“Oh. That’s cool. Or whatever. Your name’s not Ryan is it, because that would fucking suck.”
“No. Um. My name is. Um. Betty?”
“Betty! Bet. Tee. Hey. Hey barkeep! Get my friend Betty here another drink, would you? She’s. She’s my friend, ya know?”
“Oh my goodness,” Betty whispered.
“It’s cool,” I told her loudly. “They know me. I come here all the time.” I leaned over to her and whispered, “I’ve never been here before. They have no idea who I am.” And then I winked at her. “Gods,” I said, trying to keep my eyes from crossing. “You’re cute for a lady who is older and a lady. Like a sexy grandma. Do you. Like. Do you want to go? I don’t know. Play cards or. Something. Like braid hair and shit. I don’t know. Ya know?”
“No,” Betty said. “No. I just want to eat my dinner, but you’re leaning in it with your elbows.”
“Oh no! Oh my gods. Betty. Betty. I’m so sorry. I’m so—are you eating pasta?”
“I was. Um. Trying to?”
“And my elbows were in it?”
“Um. Yes?”
“So. Would you say it’s… elbow macaroni?”
“No. Um. It’s… spaghetti? So. It’d be… elbow. Spaghetti?”
“That’s not a thing,” I told her. “Elbow spaghetti. What even. Gods, you’re so weird. I’m going to go sleep. Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party. Bye.”
And then I passed out.
The tenth morning.
“OH MY gods,” I moaned as I dragged my feet down the road. “Kill me now. Or kill the sun. I don’t care which.”
“Someone learned a lesson last night,” Gary said, sounding way too chipper while I was obviously dying.
“Was that before or after he woke up in a bowl of noodles?” Kevin asked. Like a jerk.
“Spaghetti face!” Tiggy cried. “Wizard Spaghetti Face.”
“He capitalized it,” Gary said. “Now it’s forever.”
“That’s a stupid fucking rule,” I grumbled.
The thirteenth night.
“SO,” GARY said. “Kevin and I. Need to go into the forest. For. Food.”
I stared at the both of them. “For food.”