“People wonder why I am the way I am,” I said. “I tell them it’s because I was always told to respect my elders and these are my elders.”
“I am going to pretend that you meant that as a compliment,” Morgan said.
“I didn’t,” I told him. “And this is pretty much all your fault. You found me.”
“A decision I must live with every day,” he said.
“…and that’s how I ended up eating pie off the Morcadi triplets in the middle of a city fountain,” Randall said, looking pleased with himself. “Now, Sam, if you please. Up and let us try again. Focus this time.”
“I would like to,” I told him. “But all I can focus on is how much it hurts when you electrocute me.”
It happened three more times. And after each time, I found myself getting more and more frustrated at my apparent lack of ability to do something I’d already done before. It was embarrassing, especially in front of Morgan and Randall, the latter judging me harshly even though he never said a word about it. I knew what those furrowed eyebrows meant. Morgan, for his part, kept a straight face the whole time, though internally, he was probably bemoaning the fact that he ever knew my name.
I looked up at the sky, waiting for the seizing to stop, wondering just how I’d gotten to this point in my life. Granted, I supposed it was better to be constantly electrocuted by an old man whose nose I’d once turned into a penis rather than to focus on the penis of Ryan Foxheart that I would never have.
I know, I know. I could be philosophically poetic when I was morose. It’s a gift.
“Maybe we should stop for the day,” Gary said, as if he were actually doing something aside from watching me get knocked on my ass. “I don’t know how much longer I can watch this sadness.”
“Ah,” Kevin said. “A mother’s love knows no bounds.”
“What the hell is wrong with the two of you?” I asked incredulously.
“I certainly didn’t teach him that language,” Gary said, frowning at Kevin. “What have you been saying around him?”
“Uh, yeah you did,” I said. “The first day I brought you to the castle, you told me your room had better be nice because you, and I quote, ‘Sure as shit wouldn’t be staying in no crap shack. I’m a respectable fucking unicorn and my ass deserves only the finest of comfort.’”
“For fuck’s sake, Sam,” Gary said. “I don’t talk like that. You bitch.”
“The joys of parenting,” Kevin said. “I never knew how wonderful it could be.”
“My life is so weird,” I muttered as I yet again picked myself up off the ground.
“Hi, Sam!”
“Hi, Tiggy.”
“You okay?”
“Yes, Tiggy.”
“Tiggy smash something for Sam?”
“No, Tiggy.”
“Tiggy smash something for Sam.”
He smashed one of the wooden sparring dummies.
“Thank you, Tiggy.”
“Tiggy smash!” he bellowed and then proceeded to smash three more.
“Does he do that often?” Randall asked Morgan as they both watched splinters of wood fly into the air.
“Only when Sam or Gary gets hurt and or captured right in front of him.”
“Ah,” Randall said. “Lartin?”