“You mean wizard on wizard,” Kevin said.
“Gross,” Gary, Tiggy, and I said again.
“Fix this,” Randall growled at Morgan.
“Sam,” Morgan said. “Stand up, please.”
“I’m trying, but Gary won’t get his asshole off my—”
“Please,” Gary sniffed delicately. “Like you’ve never had your hand on my asshole before.”
“Wait,” Ryan said. “What.”
“That was one time,” I said as Gary pushed himself off me. Tiggy pulled me upright, and I sucked in a breath.
“What one time?” Ryan demanded.
“Long story,” I said, brushing myself off. “Involves pixies, an irate bartender, and Gary and I needing to pretend we were boyfriends to escape the clutches of a group of mad nuns.”
“It was my greatest role,” Gary said wistfully. “Too bad Sam here wasn’t believable.”
“Hey! I was so believable.”
“Sam, you w
ere supposed to be madly in love with me. Instead you put your hand on my asshole and told everyone, ‘Yeah, this is my lover who I love with all my love. We do all the sex stuff because I like putting my junk in his butt.’”
“Ew,” everyone said, except for Kevin, who said, “It’s like my dreams are coming true.”
“They believed it,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, for, like, two seconds. Then Tiggy came in and smashed, and I kicked someone in the face, and we ran.”
“All of your stories end like that,” Justin said. “I don’t understand how you’re alive.”
“Wasting my time,” Randall said. “Again.”
Before I could turn his nose into a cock, Morgan took me by the elbow and tugged me away from the others.
“You can’t turn any part of him into a penis,” he said.
“I wasn’t even thinking about that.”
“Sam, I saw the look in your eyes.”
I squinted at him. “I have a specific look in my eyes when I want to turn parts of Randall into penises and you’re familiar with it?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Wow,” I said. “That’s…. I don’t know what that is.”
“I know that the two of you can be somewhat volatile—”
“That might be an understatement if you know my Randall Penis Look, and gods, I wish I hadn’t just capitalized it, because now it’s a thing.”
“—but he cares about your well-being. I need you to listen to him. You may not agree with what he’s asking of you, but he’s doing it for you, Sam.”
I watched Morgan for a moment. “You believe that.”