“Oh yes, your self-esteem. I could and I would. Every day, it will be like it’s my job to chip away at you. You having a good day, Sam? Oh, that’s too bad, because your hair looks as if a mongoose died upon your head and is starting to rot. You laughing at a joke, Sam? Bully for you! You have spinach in your teeth, and it’s been there for ages, and I knew about it but refused to tell you. Are you content for no reason in particular? How wonderful! But you should also know that rumors are being spread about your prowess as a lover. Hint: the words shockingly lacking and surprisingly pedantic are being used. Another hint: I’m the one spreading the rumors.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Oh, Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam. I would dare so hard. Go ahead, keep another secret from me. Try it. See what happens.”
I kept my mouth shut for as long as I could. But then the thought of spinach being in my teeth for hours without anyone telling me rolled through my mind, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. “I have another secret!” I blurted out. “Remember that time you dyed your mane green and I told you that you looked like a forest sprite because it was so pretty? I lied. Green is not your color. You did look like a forest sprite, but one that was sickly and had been stepped on by an obese chimera.”
“Oh no,” Tiggy said, eyes wide.
“Scandal!” Gary hissed. “Of course I look good in green, you stupid little bitch. I look good in everything.”
“You told me no more secrets!”
“Well yeah. But I meant secrets that could affect the lives of our group! Do you know what I’m going to do to your self-esteem right now? Exactly what you just did to mine!”
“Please don’t!” I wailed. “I won’t survive. Your insults are so much more emotionally devastating!”
“Of course they are! I am a unicorn. Emotionally devastating insults are something we naturally excel at! You better be prepared, Sam of Wilds, because by the time I’m done with you, you’re going to be mentally incapacitated for at least five days.”
“Five days?” I said, somewhat in awe. “I’ll admit, I’m actually quite curious as to what you’re going to say that could mentally incapacitate me for that long. Gods, that’s got to be something so terrible, I probably won’t even be able to move from the bed. Are you sure about this?”
“Deadly.”
“Ooh,” Tiggy said.
“Are you ready?” Gary said, leaning in close.
“I don’t know that anyone can be ready,” I admitted. “But I suppose now is as good a time as any.”
Gary nodded. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for what I’m about to do to you.”
“You say that, but I just inhaled your glitter up my nose. It kind of negates your apology.”
“Oh! I’m truly sorry about that. You know this stuff just gets everywhere.”
“Odd, right? I really wish we knew where it came from.”
Gary frowned. “What do you mean? It comes from inside me.”
“Right,” I said, “but how? Are your insides full of it? Does it come from your diet? Like, when you eat chicken or grass or something. Does it go to a special bladder inside of you that fills with chicken or grass and then it converts to glitter which is then pushed out of you when you’re angry?”
“Huh,” Gary said. “I’ve never really thought about that. I don’t think I have a special chicken grass glitter bladder. I always thought it was just part of my inherent magic.”
I nodded. “That makes sense. But, like, why is that a thing? And why is it only unicorns that can do it?”
“We’re amazing creatures.”
I smiled at him. “You really are.”
He kissed my cheek. “Thank you, kitten. It’s always nice to get validation. This has just been lovely catching up with you. Let’s never be separated for that long again. Now, who’s hungry?”
“Me!” Tiggy cried. “So hungry. I dying.”
“Poor baby,” Gary said. “We certainly can’t have that. To the kitchens, where we will feast upon—wait a godsdamn minute.”
“Shit,” I muttered.
Gary whirled on me, eyes blazing. “You thought you could pull that trick on me?”