Every Time We Kiss

Chapter 1

London, 1816

“So this is really goodbye, then?” Vanessa stared up at him with watery blue eyes.

Matthew tried his best to be the coldhearted scoundrel his reputation demanded, but it never worked with her. Drawing her into his arms, he said with regret, “You know I can’t afford your retainer any longer.”

“I always thought…”

She didn’t need to say another word. He knew exactly what she thought and maybe at one time it might have worked. As a second son, he could afford to be frivolous with his reputation, but not now. Two accidents and his life had changed in so many ways.

“It’s not fair,” she mumbled into his chest. “I know a mistress isn’t supposed to fall in love with her protector, but…”

“Shh, Vanessa.”

“How could you not have known the debts he incurred?”

He stroked her long, blonde hair, savoring the silky texture. He would miss her but the time had come to end this with her. She had become far too serious about loving him and becoming more than just a mistress.

“I thought that was David’s responsibility. I had no idea that the two of them were so irresponsible with the estates and the money.” Pausing for a moment, he finally added, “And I was no better than either of them.”

“I could help you,” she whispered.

“I’m afraid you know that would never work.” Vanessa’s love had been constant for a year. While he didn’t return the feelings in the same manner, he never wanted to hurt her with the truth.

“I would be a good wife.”

Matthew blew out a long breath wanting to end this quickly, but he felt unable to hurt her. She had been there for him when he needed her.

“Darling, you will make some man a wonderful wife. And as soon as I get myself out of this mess my father and brother left me in, I’ll help you any way I can.”

“But a wife, Matthew? Must you marry to save yourself?” She drew her fingers along the lapel of his jacket.

“You know as well as I, there is no other way out of this disaster.” But he still wondered just what type of woman would want him and his reputation.

She pulled away and looked up at him. Her diminutive stature forced her neck back. “Do you honestly think you will be able to find a woman of your social rank?”

“Yes. I am the earl now. There are always fathers who want their daughters to be a countess.”

“Until her father discovers your name. Then he’ll make certain his little darling doesn’t marry a killer.”

His body tensed. “I will find a wife, Vanessa.”

“It’s all her fault, Matthew. You should make her pay for this. Go to her and let her family pay you for what you did for her.”

“I don’t believe they know what happened that day.” At least that had been the plan. No one would ever know except them.

“Well, they should.” She turned away and dropped to the sofa, crossing her arms over her chest. “She has spent the last five years doing as she pleased while you were the one in distress. You were the one scorned. Her reputation never suffered from her actions that day.”

“This has nothing to do with her, Vanessa. Everything that happened is my father’s fault. He should have known better than to gamble away his fortune. And David was no better. Besides, I need more than money. I need my reputation improved with the help of a woman of quality.”

He only hoped that some man out there would be so desirous of a title for his daughter that he would willingly ignore the baggage that came with it. After five long years, he craved the friendship of his peers. Respectable peers. Not the scoundrels who befriended him once he’d destroyed his reputation.

“I should be leaving.” He knelt down and clasped her hands in his. “You will be all right, Vanessa. You’re beautiful and will have another protector in days.”

Vanessa looked away from him. “I don’t want another protector, Matthew.”

“It will never work out between us.”

She stared wistfully down at their joined hands. “After you have married, if I’m available…” She paused, blinked hard and then continued, “Will you have me again?”

Matthew dropped his head to her lap. He’d a