“You sound absurd,” I said.
“I did it because I care about you,” Carter said. “Because I’ve cared about you for a long time, and I just can’t tolerate anyone, but especially a man, mistreating you. He put his hands on you. No man should ever do that to a woman. And I’m not going to tolerate anyone doing that to you.”
“You’re so adamant about wanting to make sure that I’m being treated right by an ex-boyfriend, while at the same time you are completely avoiding telling anyone that we’re together,” I said. “That seems a little hypocritical, doesn’t it?”
Carter narrowed his eyes at me, glaring as he got to his feet again.
“I thought you understood that,” he said. “I came here to see you because it’s been days since you’ve really talked to me at work or responded to me outside of work. I haven’t seen you. I haven’t spent any time with you. And I miss you. I wanted to make sure that you’re alright and apologize if I upset you. Obviously, none of those things are something you want to hear. I’m just going to go.”
He went to the door and let himself out. I stayed there on the couch for a few moments to make sure he was really gone before getting up to lock the door behind him. I hated the way that felt. It was our first fight, and it left me feeling sadder, angrier, and even more frustrated than I’d already been feeling.
I wasn’t sure what to do. The whole situation felt like it had gotten out of control, and I didn’t know where to turn or what might be coming next. I honestly didn’t even know what I wanted to come next. This was all too much for me to be trying to figure out on my own. This was a situation that required friends. I hated feeling like I had no one to talk to about the things that were going on in my life and was suddenly feeling very lonely. I wished for what felt like the thousandth time that I could just tell everyone.
Almost as though she could send that something was going on with me, Rebecca called just as I was finishing up folding my laundry and taking it to put away.
“What’s wrong?” she asked when she heard the tone of my voice when I answered.
“I’m just upset,” I said. “I just had my first real fight with the guy I’ve been seeing.”
“The guy I definitely don’t know and have never met,” she said. “Yep, I remember you talking about him. What did he do?”
She was being facetious and clearly talking about knowing it was Carter.
“He got in a fight with my ex,” I said. “Even though I’d gone out of my way to ask him not to do anything, not to confront him, not to have anything to do with him.”
“Why did he fight with him?”
I told her a vague version of the encounter with Ashton, not wanting her to feel like it was somehow her fault.
“But I wanted it to be handled the right way, you know what I mean? I didn’t just want some big conflict that wasn’t going to accomplish anything. I wanted to make sure there were official documents and protocols in place that could be enacted in the event he got too close to me again. But …the guy I’m seeing just couldn’t take that as enough of an answer and had a fight with him.”
“Did you tell him how that made you feel?” she asked.
“Of course, I did. And I haven’t talked to him in days, but then he showed up at my house to apologize and try to justify the whole thing. I just can’t stand it, and now I’m even more frustrated with him. He’ll go through all of that, but he still isn’t willing to just tell people we are together.”
“Do you love him?”
I stopped. I hadn’t really thought about that question. But now that she asked it, the answer was obvious.
“Yes,” I admitted. “I am madly in love with him. That’s why I’m so frustrated.”
“Maybe that’s something you should bring up with him.”
The conversation made me feel better, but it also got my mind churning. I wanted to make up with Carter. I hated going for days without talking to him or spending any time with him. I missed him even with being as angry with him as I was. I wanted us to reconnect and repair our relationship. I wanted to be a real couple.
But that forced me to think about what was going on between us and wonder how Carter genuinely felt about me.
25
CARTER
It’d been a few days since I’d gone to Lauren’s because we had another fight. Hopefully, things had calmed down on her side, but I didn’t know for sure. She was really angry with me, but when I really thought about it, she had the right to be. As much as I wanted vengeance on Ashton and to protect her from him, she asked me not to get involved. Whether I regretted it or not wasn’t really the point. She had a right to be upset with me for doing something she asked me not to do.