We reached Mal’s apartment and went inside. “Can I have a few minutes?” I asked, drifting back toward the bathroom. “I haven’t showered in days.”
“Are you hungry?” Mal asked.
“Starving.” I gave him a little smile.
“I’ll make dinner,” Carmine said. “Cap, you go clean yourself, because you reek. Mal, you go brood or whatever it is you do these days. Good work, team.”
I gave Mal a look before slipping into the bathroom. I turned on the shower water and sat on the toilet seat, staring down at my toes, and trying to come to grips with reality.
Carmine was alive. He’d escaped with Rolando, and somehow Rolando was working for us now. Rolando, the bastard that’d beaten me half to death. Now he was somehow on our side.
I couldn’t process. I stripped, got beneath the hot water, and let it roll down my skin. I cried as quietly as I could and let the tears wash away like they were never there. I should’ve been happy.
Why wasn’t I happy?
“Cap.” Mal’s voice muted through the door. “I’ve got clean clothes.”
“Come in.” I poked my head out from behind the shower curtain.
Mal stepped into the bathroom and held up a pair of old sweats. “They’ll be big.” His eyes met mine and I saw the same conflicted longing reflected back on his face.
I smiled at him. “Thanks.”
“Carmine’s making pasta. Will that be okay?”
“That’ll be great.”
He came closer. My heart leapt into my throat. Nothing but the curtain separated him from my naked, dripping body, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t tell him to get in with me, or step out and let him wrap his arms around me, or kiss his full lips. Not with Carmine in the other room. I couldn’t go there, because my entire world had flipped on its head, and now I didn’t know what was right anymore.
“I know this is a lot to process,” he said quietly, leaning closer. “I’m not sure I really have a handle on it yet.”
“He’s alive,” I said, looking away. “That’s good, right?”
“It’s good. It’s incredible. But Rolando, and everything—” He stared at me, lips tugged down. “Everything with you and me.”
“Yeah, I know.” I met his gaze and wanted to drag him close. I needed to run my fingers through his hair and hear his grunt and groans. I missed him so badly it hurt, and he was standing inches away.
He looked back and I knew he was thinking the same thing. If Carmine weren’t here, I would wrap my legs around him and never let go. I’d hold him tight, kiss him deep, and let him roam along the length of my body, tasting every inch, teasing every muscle, driving me wild until I screamed his name, over and over again.
“We’ll talk later, okay?”
He nodded. “Later.” He turned away and I felt like he’d ripped a piece of my skin from my body. God, I wanted him closer, but now the ghost of Carmine keeping us apart had turned into a solid wedge made of flesh and blood.
I didn’t know what any of this meant anymore. If we’d still go after the men on Mal’s list. If everything we’d done was for nothing. If I went through that torture and pain, all to avenge Carmine’s death, for nothing.
I hated these selfish thoughts because Carmine was alive.
I finished the shower and got out. I pulled on the old sweats. I had to roll the sleeves and tighten the waistband to the point of absurdity, but they smelled like Mal and were comfortable at least.
Carmine and Mal sat together at the table. They spoke quietly and stopped when I entered the room. Carmine grinned, got to his feet, and hustled into the kitchen. He made me a plate and held it up.
“For the lady,” he said. His smile was classic Carmine, boyish and handsome, but also knowing and intense, like he was all jokes and smiles on the outside but on the inside he was a sharpened knife ready to cut and kill.
And in that moment, something broke. I pushed the plate away and I hugged my friend tight and I let the tears that’d been building drift away.
“All right, Cap,” Carmine said softly, hugging me back. “It’s all right. You’re safe now.”
“I thought you were dead. All this time, I thought you were dead, and now here you are.”
“I know. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t get to you.”
“We did things. I went through things. I risked so much. And now you’re alive.” I sobbed harder and he hugged me close.
“I’m sorry, Cap. I really am.” He gently pulled away and held me by the shoulders. “Let’s go for a walk and talk about this.”
“You sure that’s a good idea?” Mal asked. He stared with heat in his eyes.
I nodded to him. “We need to talk. I’ll be back soon and I’ll eat. I promise.”