Ah. I get it now. This whole thing about Adam’s secret and why she doesn’t want it. She thinks Nick might be alive too. She’s heard rumors already, same way I have. And she has decided he’s better off dead.
“Gimme a name,” I say.
“Of who?”
“One of these women you work with. Gimme a name.”
“Why?”
“Because I need a place to start, Sasha.”
“Don’t—”
“No,” I cut her off. “You do not get to tell me ‘don’t’ when you just admitted to secretly smuggling Company girls for the past two decades. Give me a fucking name.”
My tone has changed and her expression hardens with it. So I expect a little fight. But she takes a deep breath, composes herself with grace, and then says, “Tell me what you’re gonna do.”
“You know what I’m gonna do.”
She weighs her options. If she wanted to say no, she could. I mean, realistically, what could I do? Nothing. But after almost a full minute of serious consideration, she must decide she wants me to look into things, because she gives up a name and I commit it to memory.
“I’ve heard some other rumors,” Sasha says.
“Yeah? Like what?”
“How much do you know about eternal life?”
I scoff. “Well, I know it’s a fantasy. Does that count?”
“Sure. It counts. It might not be right, but it counts.”
“What do you mean ‘might not be right?’”
Sasha’s eyes dart back over to Jax and Sydney. They’re still talking, and laughing, and smiling near the grill. “Well, it counts because belief is a powerful thing. And it works both ways. If you think eternal life is possible—”
“You’ll what? Live forever?”
“No. But necessity is the mother of invention, right? If you believe, you look hard, Merc. You try everything for the very simple reason that you think it’s possible. If you don’t believe, well…” She shrugs. “I haven’t made up my mind about non-believers yet. Because on the one hand, if you don’t believe, it never affects you. But on the other hand, if you don’t believe—if you don’t, at the very least, go searching for it—then there isn’t a chance in hell that you’re ever gonna find anything, right?”
For a moment I can’t tell if she’s talking about herself and the rumors surrounding Nick Tate or she’s simply pointing out the obvious about eternal life.
“I see you are confused.”
“OK.” I laugh. “I’ll admit to that.” My laugh carries across the pool to the outdoor kitchen and makes Sydney and Jax direct their smiles at us for a moment. Then they go back to whatever they’re talking about.
“Let me explain better.” She pauses and her blue eyes roll up as she considers what to say. She’s still the same Sasha to me. Same blonde hair. Same pretty little face. She’s still thirteen in my mind. She will always be the little girl in braces. She will always be the heartbroken kid crying her eyes out in a hotel room after Nick left. She will always be the empty shell left behind after she shot Nick in the head that day.
It doesn’t matter how I see her. Sasha Cherlin-Aston-Barlow writes her own script in this life. She has always been the one in control. She’s not a little girl. Those braces are long gone. She has been very happy for many years now and the fact that she has spelled it out very clearly that she is not interested in knowing Adam’s secret, even if it’s about Nick Tate, tells me all I need to know about her mental health these days.
She adjusted.
She moved on.
She lived.
That’s what a good little Zero girl does.
“Sometimes,” Sasha says, “ignorance is bliss, Merc.”
“Right.” I chuckle again. “Yeah. Agreed.”
“Because if we don’t know what we’re missing, do we ever truly miss it?”
“What’s this got to do with eternal life?”
“Turns out, almost nothing, actually. But you gotta watch out for the believers, right? Because belief is a lot more powerful than you think.”
“You’re in a very profound mood today.”
She nods. “Yeah. This thing with Adam.”
“What about it?”
“I dunno. It’s a thread, I think.”
“And you don’t want me to pull it.”
“No. But—” She looks away, but just as quickly looks back at me. “I would like to save Donovan. I would like to save everyone, actually. But I don’t have any say in most of that.”
“And you have a say in this,” I finish for her.
She nods. “A small one. Obviously, ignorance is still bliss. But it’s too late to be ignorant now, isn’t it?”
I nod my agreement.
Then we drop it. Because she told me what she wanted me to know—she wants to save Donovan but she doesn’t want to find Nick and whatever I find when I pull on this thread, she wants it to end with her blissful ignorance.
The next day Sasha and Jax pack up their kids in their truck and I pack up Sydney and our kids into ours. Then I follow them up to Fort Collins, Colorado for a much-needed, impromptu vacation with some old friends.