Marie’s engine roars to a start. She backs out of her spot and coasts past us, her taillights blinking red.
Jonah throws a hand up to wave goodbye, but his jaw is tight with tension. “Do you want her dating Toby?” he asks in an overly calm voice.
“Sure. He’s a nice guy and he’s cute. So why not?”
“Specifically Toby?” Jonah fixes me with that serious, assessing stare. “Or just anyone besides me?”
“What does it matter?”
He shakes his head. “Because we’ve been over this before. She knows we’re together, Calla.”
“But she’d be happy if we weren’t.”
He curses under his breath. “Come on …”
“No!
You come on! I heard her that day in the hangar. How you’re so passionate and that’s what she loves most about you. Don’t tell me she meant that in a platonic way. We both know she didn’t!” His response that day, reminding her how he feels about me, is proof that it didn’t come across that way to him, either. I’m tired of pretending otherwise.
He opens his mouth but stalls on whatever he was going to say. “She knows that’s not gonna happen, though.”
“Are you so sure of that?” A dark thought sparks in my mind, and I don’t allow myself the opportunity to weigh it before it tumbles from my mouth. “Do you have an issue with Marie dating someone else?”
“Why would I?” he asks, his tone sharpening.
“I don’t know.” That dark thought is spinning into a convoluted weave with this growing tension between us, and a voice inside screams that it’s ludicrous to say it out loud. Yet I can’t keep it to myself. “Maybe you want her there as a backup option in case this doesn’t work out.”
He laughs but there’s no humor in the sound. “Jesus, Calla. How many drinks did you have?”
“I’m not drunk!” I deny, feeling my indignation flare. Not that drunk.
“Are we really going there tonight?”
“Never mind!”
“Nah.” He shakes his head. “It’s too late. What the hell do you mean by that?”
Fine. I push on. “She’s perfect for you! She’s beautiful and smart and nice. She spends her days saving animals. She belongs in Alaska. She’s ready to settle down and have babies like now, I’m sure. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give her what she wanted.”
Jonah’s mouth is open but he’s struggling with an answer.
Finally, he booms, “Because she’s not you!”
“Well, things ‘aren’t great’ between us, right? Didn’t you just finish telling her that? Why would you tell her something like that?” Tears flow down my cheeks without warning. It feels like a betrayal, to hear him say that to anyone, but especially to Marie, who I know would find some level of delight in that admission. It’s what she wants to hear.
It’s what I’d want to hear if I were in her shoes.
It would give my wounded heart hope.
“Well, it’s the truth, isn’t it? If you’re miserable here, then, no, things aren’t great.”
“I’m not miserable. I just … you’re never around!”
He throws his hands in the air. “You’re the one who told me I should take this job, remember?”
“Because you wanted it! I didn’t want you to want it!” I’m amazed we haven’t corralled a crowd, the way we’re yelling at each other. That seems to be our thing—fighting in parking lots. Thankfully, no one seems to be around to witness this one.
“You’re right, I did want it. I wasn’t gonna take it because I knew it would mean long hours, but then you told me to do what would make me happy, that you wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t. So, I took it. And what do you want me to say, except that I love it? I’m doin’ something important, and I’m good at it.”