That jerked his head up. He had been holding her on his lap with one arm and fumbling in the dark for the lotion with the other, but now he narrowed his eyes and dragged the lantern to him.
“Babe. This shouldn’t be hurting any worse than …” He trailed off. He’d been consumed by rage all day. He’d been collecting the anger from his brothers and sisters and storing it up for weeks. Cursing under his breath, he managed to get the lantern lit and shone it on her body. His mouth went dry. Sweat broke out on his body.
“Fuck me, Seychelle,” he whispered between clenched teeth. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not here. Not now. Not when neither of them was prepared. Not with a fucking switch. She wasn’t trained for this. He hadn’t brought her in gently. Lovingly. What the fuck was wrong with him that he’d been so out of control he hadn’t known? This was why he needed his brothers around him. He shouldn’t have been alone with her when the monster was so close. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He caught up the lotion and poured it over the slashes to her front. So many of them. Many more than he’d thought he’d put on her. He tore a strip of cloth from his shirt and soaked it with lotion to lay over her breasts. The entire time he whispered to her that it was going to be all right. That he’d take care of her. That the lotion would numb the pain. He had something in his pack that would help. He just had to get this on her first.
It wasn’t going to be all right. He knew that. He could barely breathe. Barely think. His heart was racing, and his mind was all over the place. There was a roaring in his ears. Blood thundering. No one could ever love a fucking monster. Not really. He’d lied to himself. Let her in. He’d let himself believe. Let his guard down. He wanted her so much. And then he’d done this. He’d fucking done this to her.
He wasn’t going to put his screwup on Seychelle and ask her why she didn’t stop him. She’d given him a yellow. This wasn’t on her. This was on him. He’d known he was on the edge. He still was. This wasn’t as bad as he could get. Not by a long shot. The idea was to ease her into his life, not crash her into it. Not hurt her when he’d promised her he wouldn’t, with the others around them. He’d broken about every fucking promise he’d ever made to her. She’d made it clear she was damn sick of his broken promises. He’d thought he’d come up with something special for her, and instead, his true identity had rushed forth and taken over, and now she was lost to him.
“I’m going to wrap you, Seychelle, and give you painkillers, get you to sleep and then put you in the truck and head for home tonight.”
She shook her head and pressed her face against his chest. “You have to work tomorrow.” It came out muffled between sobs, but she got it out.
“Fuck that, baby. Reaper or Keys can take my place. I’m taking you home. They can bring my bike. I’ve done enough for the club this run. Both of us have.” He kept pouring on the lotion and smoothing it over the stripes until he thought he could safely lay her down. “Careful, baby. I need to get the other side. Don’t try to move around. Let me do this for you.”
He smoothed her hair back and kissed her face. “I swear, baby, I didn’t mean to break my promise to you. I’ll get you out of here before anyone sees you.”
“I know you didn’t.” There was conviction in her voice.
Why she would believe him, he had no idea. He just counted himself lucky that she did, but he knew it wouldn’t matter in the long run. The lotion was beginning to do its job. She would remember later, and she would leave him. His angel. She took away the demons of his past just by being in his bed. Her laughter cleared out the ghosts, drove them away when they were too close.
Savage soaked strips of his shirt in the lotion and covered the worst of the stripes on her backside with them and then covered her with his sleeping bag. He found two heavy-duty painkillers in the first aid kit and gave them to her, even though she resisted taking them. It didn’t take him long to break camp, group texting Czar, Reaper, Destroyer and Maestro that he was leaving and taking one of the trucks. He added that he wanted them to bring his bike safely home.