“I wouldn’t have been happy you went off to see your ex-girlfriend, but if you’d told me…”
“I know,” he said. “I should have told you. But, at the time, I didn’t know if you really wanted anything more from me. You wanted a month of casual sex, right? No need to bring exes into that equation.”
“But you clearly wanted more since you asked for more right after seeing her.”
“I did…I do want more. And I had to clear things up with her before starting something with you.”
I nodded. That at least was admirable. If it hadn’t resulted in her kissing him in front of me tonight and ruining everything. Toppling my already-shaky trust in him.
“I asked you about exes point-blank, and you said there was no one important enough to mention. Emily seems pretty damn important.”
He ran a hand back through his dark hair. “That was the truth. She wasn’t important enough to mention because she’s nothing to me.”
I sighed and buried my face in my hands. “I don’t know, Penn. She doesn’t seem like nothing.”
He stood and paced the room. “I don’t know what else to do to prove to you that we’re over. Do you want to call Emily or go find her wherever the security guard dumped her after I kicked her out of the club? Do you want to find out the truth from her? Or at least whatever her version is? Because I’ll do it. She’ll tell you that we’re done. That we have been for a long time. And I’ll tell you…that I only want to be with you.”
I stared up at him, pacing and irritated. As if he couldn’t believe he’d managed to fuck all of this up within a week. That Emily had shown up and he’d dealt with it all wrong. I’d never seen him lose his cool so completely. Normally, he was this put-together guy with his Upper East Side flair and his philosophical chill. But right now, he actually seemed…scared that he’d lose me.
“Penn, sit down.” I patted the couch next to me. He took the seat next to me. “I need to know if there’s anything else I should know. Any other girls in your closet? Waiting to jump out at you and kiss you. Katherine maybe?”
“Katherine?” he asked in surprise. “Dear god, no. There is absolutely nothing going on between us.”
He had such conviction in his voice. Such earnest calm that he seemed to come back to himself at my question. As if he couldn’t even believe I was asking about Katherine.
“I think she’s in love with you.”
Penn laughed and shook his head. “I’m honestly not entirely sure if Katherine has feelings. And even if she did, it wouldn’t matter because I feel nothing for her. I never have. Not like that. The only person I want…is you.”
He reached out and placed his hand over mine. When I didn’t immediately pull it away, he threaded our fingers together and rubbed his thumb down mine.
“Can you forgive me?” he asked.
I didn’t pull away, but I remained silent long enough that I could tell he was worried. And it made it all the harder to say no to him when I could see that he was being honest. That he was worried about losing me. And it might be stupid, but I wanted him, too. I didn’t want this to come between us. But at the same time, I didn’t a hundred percent trust him either. And I hated that.
“I think I need some time,” I told him honestly. “I can’t erase the anger and hurt and betrayal I felt tonight.”
“Right.”
“I need more than the last hour to process.”
He brought my hand to his lips. “I understand that. But can I convince you to come back to my place with me? I can grovel some more if you’d like.”
I laughed softly and shook my head. “You don’t have to grovel. I’ll come back with you. I just need you to be honest with me from now on, okay?”
His eyes drifted away and then back to mine. I didn’t know what that look meant, but he then nodded. “Okay.”
Natalie
31
Everything excellent is as difficult as it is rare.
Ever since Penn had brought his big philosophy brain into my life, I’d started reading daily quotes from famous philosophers. Most of them I read, deleted, and moved on from. But this one from Spinoza’s Ethics stuck. It resonated. It sang symphonies in my brain and let the words just pour out of me.
And right now, it felt like a hit to the head with a two-by-four.
Because Penn and I were excellent together. I knew that for certain.
But difficult was hardly a strong enough word.
Still, I knew what we had was rare.
The way our stars had aligned to bring us to this moment. How effortless we were when we were together. The ease with which we fit together like a diver landing in the water without a splash. And yet we felt like a tide being pushed and pulled by some unseen force that just didn’t let us fucking be.