He shuddered. Fuck that. No way he was risking ending up like either of his parents. Mom, miserable and abused, or Dad, miserable and abuser.
Could you be more dramatic?
“Uh, yeah. Same. Nice to meet you.” It was as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Just enough to keep Ronnie from hounding him later about being rude to their guest.
“Shit, brother,” Jagger said with a grin from across the room. “You’re holding the baby. That’s progress. Before you know it, you’ll be wearing a Dad of the Year apron as you mash puréed sweet potatoes.”
JP shot Jagger the finger as Ronnie thwacked their older brother on the shoulder.
He cast a glance at Hannah’s way to find a fierce frown on her face as her attention ping-ponged between him and Jag. Last thing they needed was some stranger thinking he wasn’t taking care of his kid. That’s how fucking CPS got involved. He’d know. They’d been called because of their father’s bullshit a dozen times throughout this childhood. Though he probably didn’t need to worry. If the system hadn’t removed JP and his siblings from their drunken mess of an abusive father, he wasn’t at any risk of losing Kayla.
Not yet, anyway.
“So, uh, we eatin’ or what?” Normally, he was the life of the party. The one his family turned to when they needed the mood lightened, wanted a laugh or were craving fun. In the days since Kayla dropped into his life, he’d felt off his game. His carefree personality had suffered, and he didn’t like it. Mustering the energy to make dirty jokes or keep up the happy-go-lucky façade felt like a Herculean task he couldn’t accomplish without a nap.
Was this parenting? Was he doomed to settle into a new, boring as fuck existence for the next eighteen years? One in which he thought of nothing but what Kayla ate, how much she pooped, and how many hours she slept? No more clubs. No more bars. Maybe an occasional fuck here or there when he could swindle one of his siblings into babysitting.
His stomach cramped. In the blink of an eye, his life had become everything he’d always dreaded and more. Suddenly, Kayla felt like a hundred-pound weight in his arms instead of a fifteen-pound baby. Before he lost his shit, he needed a break. “Someone take her,” he blurted, holding Kayla out with straight arms.
Hannah rushed forward with a look of concern. “I ca—”
“Don’t mind if I do,” Ronnie said, snatching her from his arms without seeming to notice his distress. She gathered Kayla close and babbled nonsense.
“Uh, let’s have some grub,” Keith said as he rose, shooting JP a glare. “Everything is ready. I’ll grab the salmon off the grill. Figured we’ll eat inside since it’s supposed to rain in a bit.”
“Great, let’s do it,” he said, earning a curious look from Ronnie at the false cheer in his voice. He opened and closed his hands, trying to get the blood flowing back into his tingling digits.
From her perch on Ronnie’s hip, Kayla squealed and flapped her arms. As everyone oohed and aahed over the baby noises—he had to admit they were kind of endearing—JP couldn’t help but notice Hannah’s gaze still fixed on his daughter. Funny thing was, Kayla seemed fascinated with the newcomer, making wild screeches and smiling a big gummy grin in Hannah’s direction.
As they all made their way to Mickie and Keith’s enormous dining table. Hannah had no choice but to shift her focus from Kayla, but the second they made it to the dining room, she was back to staring.
What the hell was this chick’s deal?
“JP, I bought a highchair so Kayla can sit at the table with us,” Mickie said, beaming as though she’d just told him she’d found the cure for cancer.
He shouldn’t criticize because he sure as hell hadn’t thought of any such thing. Fuck, he probably had a shit-ton of baby crap to buy. How would he afford everything? Crap he’d never even heard of would consume his life now.
His dad-life.
Still didn’t seem real.
“Awesome,” Ronnie said. She deposited Kayla back in his arms without warning. Reflex had him pulling her close, but he tensed and couldn’t relax into a comfortable hold.
“Better watch yourself, Keith. The way Mick keeps going on about that baby, she’s gonna be begging you for one before too long,” Jagger said as he winked at Mickie.
That got everyone laughing. Well, everyone except him. Their typical Benson sibling banter kicked into full gear. They all teased and ribbed as though nothing had changed. As though he wasn’t holding a fifteen-pound explosive that had detonated all over his footloose and fancy-free life. None of them noticed his absence from the conversation. Though his brain knew it was only a matter of time before someone clued in and asked him what the fuck was wrong, he couldn’t bring himself to participate in his usual fun-loving manner. For him, everything had changed due to the child in his arms. Hell, he didn’t even feel like the same person he’d been before her. But everyone else acted the same.