I grab my phone again and punch in Allison’s number. It goes straight to voicemail and this time when it answers, I say, “Allison. My name is also Allison. But I’m not calling about filling in for you at Hawk Legal. I’m calling about Tyler. He’s miserable without you. That’s easy to see. He’s burning alive in the flames of his own regret.” I laugh awkwardly. “That sounded intense. I used to be an editor. Can you tell? Please come back. Or call him. There’s nothing between me and him. I’m happily with someone else. There were just circumstances and I—well, I found your journal, and please forgive me, but I started reading—and I’m—I feel like I know you. It’s silly, but it’s like we’re friends. Maybe we really can be and—
The machine beeps.
I call back and this time when the machine answers I say, “Come back, Allison. Or call. If not him, me. Just let us know you’re okay. Please.”
I disconnect.
I’m a stranger. That message probably means nothing to her, but I had to try.
I open my drawer and stare down at my purse, where the journal remains, and I can’t help myself. I reach for it, hoping for an answer to a question I’m not even aware I should be asking. If I found her, it just feels as if the world would be right. Tyler would be a new man. A man I’ve never met and perhaps no one has. Unable to help myself, I pick up the journal, praying for something that helps me find Allison, or just to know she’s safe. I open to the final page. It’s blank. So are the ten pages before it and the ten before those. I find the final entry and start reading:
In times like these, I miss my mother more than ever. I also realize my friendships here in Nashville are all plastic. There is no one I feel comfortable telling my secrets to. Let’s face it, that’s why I started writing a journal. I have no one. Maybe that’s why I fell so hard for him. And I did. So ridiculously hard. I want to go to him, but he’d never forgive me. All I would do is put a nail in our coffin, but then, what choice do I have? He has to know. And yet, it will hurt him. He hurt me, but I have no wish to hurt him.
I don’t know what to do.
Everything in my life is spinning out of control. Everything has gone so very wrong. I feel as if it’s my fault when I know it wasn’t my fault at all. It’s victim-blaming, right? The victim does it and then the rest of the world has an invitation to do it as well. But then, I haven’t told anyone what happened for me to be blamed. The truth is that I feel guilt. I went down a path I should have never traveled. I was wrong. I was a bad person and I deserve everything that brings me. But if I confess, I hurt him and probably many others. If I don’t tell, someone else is certainly going to be hurt. Like I was hurt. Someone else will end up like me. I’m sure there has been someone before me, someone who suffered in silence and let this happen to me. I feel so damn angry with whoever that was. I don’t want someone else to feel that about me. I don’t know what to do and if only these pages could answer me and tell me what to do.
God, I have to tell him. I have to go to him. It’s the right move. Isn’t it? I want to throw this book against the wall, but then I’ll be even more alone. Maybe I’ll call him now. Maybe I’ll just sit on this and think. How did I end up here? I wish I could go back to the times I spent with him, asleep with him, awake with him, naked with him. I should have never told him I loved him. I should have never let him know I saw everything. He wasn’t ready for me to see everything.
That’s it. Nothing more.
I flip several pages back, looking for entries that tell me what this means, but nothing in the recent pages read with this tone at all. In fact, they’re about the auction. I skim and it’s clear she was excited about the event. I go back to the final entry, a chill running down my spine as I read: He wasn’t ready for me to see everything.
Just like Dash.
I swear so many times Allison’s words have spoken to me. In this case, it’s a reminder to not let Tyler’s words get to me. Tyler keeps pushing every button there is to push with me and Dash, and more and more I feel like it’s really about him and Allison, not me and Dash.