Seoulmates (Seoul 2)

Wansu guides me to a unit at the end. Lee Jonghyung’s resting place is spacious, two niches wide, and set at eye level. Behind the protective glass is a white porcelain urn that takes on a light green hue at certain angles, and two white flowers, which I presume are fake, lie at the base. The only other item in the niche is a small picture of young Lee Jonghyung in a simple wooden frame. He’s leaning against the counter of his food stall with a pair of sunglasses dangling between his fingers, and everything about him, from his relaxed pose to his jeans and white T-shirt tucked in tight, shouts effortless cool. I can see why he attracted so many girls and so easily.

“Even though Lee Jonghyung did not raise you, he is still connected to you by blood. I could not doom your future by not honoring his death. That is why I paid for his funeral and placed him here in this place of peace. In the next life, we will pray that he will have a better life so that he does not wrong another you. I have brought my family here as well.” She points to the rectangular niche next to Lee Jonghyung. “These are my parents. They died before I married Choi Yujun’s father. We were dating at the time and he paid for their funeral, sat three days with me, and after asked me to marry him. He said I had lived with the burden of being alone for so long and would I allow him to take care of me.”

He sounds like Yujun. That’s something he would say. Would you allow me to do this small thing for you, Hara?

“And I said yes. I did love him—do love him—” she corrects herself. “Before I said yes, I told him about you, about my past. I did not want those secrets to unravel later. He said we should look for you and he would place his entire fortune in my hands to do so.”

I suck in a breath at this. Wansu had mentioned this at Chuseok, but I never asked her about it further. I wanted to put that whole awful memory behind me.

Wansu hardly notices my response. She is lost in her past. “I accepted both the offer of marriage and the offer of aid. We found you after a long search. It is only because the police recorded your discovery. We traced you from the police to the agency that took you in. If I had left you anywhere else, you would have been lost to me forever.” Wansu doesn’t cry, but her voice is thick with emotion. “The investigators sent me photos of you and Ellen, and you were happy, Hara. You were very happy, and I did not believe I had a right to that happiness. I did not believe I had the right to hurt another woman by taking her child. What you are going through now is because of my decisions, and they have not been good. If it is Yujun you want, I will not stand in your way, but the path for the two of you will not be easy. “

Yujun said that his mother would come around with time, and maybe that’s true or maybe in this, the valley of remembrance, she is recalling all that she has lost in her life. Her parents, her first love, her only child. She has had gains in her life, but sometimes it is the absence of things that sits heavy in your heart for far too long.

“Why did you not have another child?” I ask, a question that’s been weighing on me for some time.

“I could not have another. We tried, but the seed never bore fruit. I think it is because I gave you up. The gods decided that I did not deserve another child, but I did receive Yujun and I am content. It did not matter to Choi Yusuk that I could not bear more children.”

“He had Yujun.”

She nods. “I am not the best mother or best wife. If Choi Yusuk were sitting at the chairman’s desk, the company would not be the same, but there are women out there who cannot get jobs because they do not go to the right school or they are single mothers or they have made mistakes in the past. If I can help one of them, then maybe those sins in my past can be forgiven and my next life will be different.”

My throat is hot with emotion and the space behind my eyes burns. I used to never cry, and then I came here and it’s like the plug in the dam has been popped loose. I will never stop drinking that stupid wheatgrass smoothie, and if she wants to use forks and spoons at her Korean table, that’s what we’re going to use. Chopsticks can go to hell.