Fuck, I can’t believe I let myself get drunk.
It’s not in my nature to lose control. At all. The guilt must be weighing heavier on me than I thought.
Huffing out a sigh, I step under the spray and let the drops pelt my body.
At least I didn’t do anything stupid with JJ.
But come tonight, she’s going to want a heart to heart, and I’ll just have to open up and be honest about how the guilt is wearing me down and the fear that’s starting to loom in the back of my mind.
Chapter 14
JJ
He doesn’t remember anything. It’s a good thing.
I spend the entire day thinking about what happened last night, and all I can come up with is O’Brien was so damn drunk he didn’t know what he was doing.
I, on the other hand, was stone-cold sober.
At least with O’Brien not remembering what we did, he doesn’t know how I feel about him.
When there’s a knock at the door, I dart to my feet and take a deep breath.
Keep your cool. It’s just another day.
I open the front door and step to the side so O’Brien can come inside.
Don’t think about his fingers tweaking your nipple or his hand between your legs or his mouth devouring yours.
My body flushes with heat, and I walk to the kitchen so I can keep busy warming his dinner. “How was your day?”
“Long,” he mutters. I hear the couch creak and keep my eyes on the microwave while I warm the pasta I made with all the love I feel for him, wanting him to at least have one good plate of food a day.
Taking a bottle of water from the fridge, I carry the plate into the tiny living room and set it down on the coffee table. “No beer for you today,” I try to joke.
“Thanks, JJ. It smells amazing.”
Taking a seat across from him, I quickly open the laptop and keep busy checking the message from the chief.
“Chief wants to know if it’s safe to wear a wire,” I relay to O’Brien.
“Not yet. I’m not in the circle of trust yet.”
Glancing up, I watch as he takes one bite after the other as if he’s been starving. When he catches me staring, he grins, “It’s really good.”
A smile spreads over my face, his compliment and seeing how much he enjoys the meal making my heart overflow with love for him.
O’Brien eats every last bite, then washes it down with the water. Once he’s done, his eyes settle on me. For a solid minute, we stare at each other, and I start to worry he’s remembered something, but then he says, “The guilt hit much harder than I thought.”
My tone is gentle and filled with understanding, “Is that why you got drunk?”
He nods, twirling the empty bottle between his fingers. Closing his eyes, I watch as he lets the guilt surface, and seeing just how hard leaving those girls behind hit him makes emotion well in my chest. I don’t even bother hiding the heartache I feel for him when I say, “You did the right thing.”
O’Brien clenches his jaw, raw guilt written all over his face, and it makes it impossible for me to keep my own feelings under control. Setting the laptop aside, I rush to his side and wrap my arms around him. Holding him with all my strength, my voice is hoarse as I remind him, “I’ve got you.”
Wrapping his arms around me, he buries his face against my hair. He heaves a sigh as if the comfort I’m giving him is actually enough to chase the guilt away.
“Everything will be okay,” I whisper, brushing my hand over the nape of his neck and down his broad back. “When this is all over, you’ll see you did the right thing.” When he doesn’t move or say anything, I keep going, “You have so much integrity, O’Brien. It’s one of the first things I respected about you. You’re strong. You can do this.”
He pulls back, his eyes searching mine for the truth in my words. Bringing a hand to his jaw, I give him an earnest look. “I believe in you.”
Need starts to burn in his eyes as he presses his jaw harder against my palm. “Say it again.” As my lips part, he adds, “This time using my first name.”
I lift my other hand to the side of his neck, and unable to keep the walls up, my whole heart’s in my voice. “You’re the strongest man I know. You can do this. I believe in you, Daniel.”
Emotion washes over his face as if I’ve just given him the greatest gift. “My lifeline.”
A trembling smile spreads over my face. “Always.”
I’m pulled back against his chest, and for the longest time, we just hold each other. “You’re my ride or die, Daniel. Whatever I can do to help, just let me know.”