I can only nod to show her I understand. Emotions overwhelm me, and engulfing JJ in my arms, I yank her hard against my chest, my face finding her neck. My body shudders, the relief so fucking intense I’m a second away from crying like a fucking baby.
It takes a fucking long moment to regain my control. A lot is still unclear between us, but the reprieve of the guilt lessening is so fucking welcome.
Taking a deep breath of her soft scent, my lungs expand like they haven’t expanded in months. The amount of air seeping into my veins makes me lightheaded. A rush, unlike anything I’ve ever felt.
Pushing JJ back, I frame her face, my eyes drinking in the sight of her.
She’s alive.
She survived.
My chest moves faster as the breaths race over my lips, and everything shifts inside of me. Pieces fall back into place, and strength returns to my soul.
Regretting I wasn’t there for JJ is the only thing that remains, and it has me asking, “How are you coping?”
She shakes her head, the light dimming in her eyes again. “I’m not.” Her chin trembles, and it takes a swing at my heart. “You’re the only thing keeping me standing. I wish you’d see that.”
I do. I’m sorry it took me so long.
I’m gutted for a whole new reason. I might not have failed JJ on the yacht, according to her, but I sure as fuck failed her afterward.
She’s been so fucking strong, fighting to get back to me, and I’ve been so fucking stupid. But how the fuck was I supposed to know?
Maybe if you had stopped for one second, stopped being a coward and faced her, you would’ve known, you stupid, dumb fuck!
My eyes flit over every inch of her face, my regret spilling over my lips, “I’m so fucking sorry I left you to fight this on your own.” Shaking my head hard, there’s absolute resolution in my voice as I promise, “I won’t fail you again.”
“I just need you,” she whimpers, the strength it’s taken her to fight for me falls away, and vulnerability remains in its place.
“You’ve got me.” I hold her against me again and pepper kisses over her temple and hair. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I’m never leaving you alone again.”
A sob shudders from her, and placing her arms around my neck, JJ buries her face against my neck and cries. She lets go of the restraint it took to remain standing and breaks in my arms.
“I’ve got you, baby,” I promise.
When she manages to regain some control over her emotions, she hiccups, “Don’t you ever shut down on me again.”
“I won’t.” I push her back so I can see her beautiful face, my eyes unable to get enough of her. “I did what I thought was best for you. I… it fucking killed me thinking I raped you.”
Her red-rimmed eyes plead with mine. “You understand you didn’t, right?”
Nodding, I let out a tired breath. Christ, the past two months were absolute hell. “I missed you so fucking much.”
JJ’s eyebrows draw together, hope trickling back into her eyes, and making them shine like pools of water in sunlight.
“Will you come back to organized crime?” she asks.
The corner of my mouth twitches. “Eventually.”
“Will you go for counseling?”
The smile grows as I shake my head. “You’re all the counseling I need.”
Her teeth tug at her bottom lip, then she asks, “Will you be my partner again?”
My eyes lock on hers, this woman who went through hell for me, defeated my demons and restored my soul. “You still want me as your partner?”
Her head bobs up and down. “Please.”
“On one condition,” I murmur, the reality of what’s happened chasing the last of the ghosts swirling around me away.
“Anything.”
“Tell me how you feel about me, and this time add my name.”
For a moment, all emotion drains from JJ’s face, then slowly, her breathing starts to speed up as absolute love softens her features. “I love you, Daniel O’Brien.”
Staring deep into her eyes, I wonder how the fuck I never saw it. I stare until a nervous expression flutters over her face, and that bottom lip of hers gets tortured by her teeth.
“Fuck, we’ve wasted so much time,” I whisper, thinking she could’ve been mine a year ago.
Her gaze searches mine. “Next time, talk to me. Talking actually helps solve problems.”
I shake my head. “I mean, we could’ve celebrated our first anniversary already.”
Shock washes over her face. “Wha –”
“I love you, Julie.” Her mouth falls open as if I’ve just said the most absurd thing ever. “Did you hear me?”
She nods, her features still slack. “But…” A frown forms on her forehead. “Really?”
“Really,” I say, letting everything this woman’s made me feel come to the surface. “I love you so fucking much it hurts.”
She blinks a couple of times then slaps me against the shoulder. “You asshole!”