Controlled Burn (Blackbridge Security 8)

I want to cry again as I walk to the bedroom because I know I’m going to miss him too. For all of his grumbling and the looks he gives the messes the kids leave behind, I catch him smiling too. He grins when Knox mispronounces a word. He even chuckled tonight when Kason shoved past him to be the first in the bath. Those are just things with the kids, and I refuse to think about the things he does to me. I can’t focus on the butterflies in my belly when he looks at me, nor how he felt Saturday night after my little living room strip tease.

Thankfully, Kayleigh is pretending to be asleep when I close myself inside our room. It means I get to postpone all of those questions, but I have no doubt she’ll hit me with them first thing in the morning.

***

Although I fell asleep fast last night, I don’t feel rested.

I jolt in the bed when I notice Kayleigh’s is empty.

There’s a difference in Finn staying here while I work and being responsible for sleeping kids, and being swarmed by three of them first thing in the morning.

I change clothes quickly, dressing for the day before heading out of the room. I cringe at the sight of Kason and Knox’s open bedroom door. One glance tells me that they’re elsewhere in the condo.

Despite imagining walking in and seeing them swinging from the light fixtures, I find Finn standing tall in sweats and a t-shirt, plating food for them. All three kids are sitting at the table, legs swinging as they wait to eat.

I just stand and watch them for a minute, wondering what he had to threaten them with to keep them from bouncing off the walls. My kids are utter chaos in the mornings, their energy reserves refreshed from sleep and uncontrollable. Since I don’t want them acting out at school, I allow them to burn some of that off before leaving for the day.

Knox’s eyes grow wide as he watches Finn add a few pieces of cantaloupe to the plates.

I let myself dream for the briefest of moments at the picture before me. I let myself imagine Finn being their father and having the perfect life I always dreamed of, rather than the shitty ex whose troubles still continue to taint our lives.

It disappears almost as quickly as it arrives because my life will never be picture-perfect. Having a man like Finn inside of me isn’t the same as keeping him in my life. Taking my body is one thing. Him stepping up as the father these kids have never had is another, and wishing for anything that resembles it would be fruitless. I disappoint myself too much already as it is.

“What’s all this?” I ask, walking further into the room.

Finn grins at me, telling me that he knew I was near.

“Breakfast,” he says, adding a couple of strawberries to the plates.

“You made all this?” I point to the eggs, fruit, and sausage on the plates.

“No. They didn’t want tofu, so we compromised.” He points to a bag on the counter from a nearby diner.

He may not have cooked, but he ordered it all and had it delivered, and that’s just as awesome.

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“They wanted frozen chicken nuggets,” he grumbles. “Who eats nasty frozen chicken nuggets?”

I scoff. “No one eats frozen chicken nuggets, Finn. I heat them up first.”

The kids giggle, and it earns a smile from the man dishing out the food.

He turns his head, leaning in for a kiss, and I skate around him, denying him what I desperately want as well. We have a long damn talk ahead of us, and it’s not going to end with our mouths locked on each other. Besides, my kids are right there, bearing witness to all of it.

“Knox isn’t going to eat that,” I whisper as I reach for the bread and peanut butter.

“Just watch,” he says, somehow carrying all three plates to the table without spilling a drop.

“This has the super powder on it?” Knox asks as he picks up his fork and nudges a piece of sausage across his plate.

“I added double,” Finn says, walking away.

My mouth falls open when Knox spears the sausage link and bites half of it off. He chews for a second before saying, “I’m going to be as big and strong as Finn!”

I smile, but tears sting my eyes. What I was worried about with Kayleigh last night has already filtered over to Knox as well.

I’m glad Kason is still holding out, watching Finn with a sneer as he eats.

Sensing my unease, Finn does something I never expected him to—he gives me space.

“I’ve got some calls to make,” he says, his hand brushing my hip.

I’m glad the contact is below the counter line so the kids can’t see. I nod.