I inhaled a calming breath, scanning the small waiting area. Nothing seemed out of place. People milled about, bored and wanting to leave. One older couple sat across from me, never moving. She read a book while he did crosswords, occasionally asking her a question. They were obviously at ease and not worried about the delay, taking it in stride. She had cooed over Julianna, her husband barely looking, but other than that, seemed to forget I was there. No one was looking at me, nothing was amiss, yet I was on high alert. I thought I had it all mapped out—every last detail. I had stuck to the plan the entire time I had been here. I was certain no one had ever been as meticulous about a three-day trip as I had been. A trip I had dreaded and looked forward to at the same time. One I had to make since time was no longer on my side. I had owed it to her.
I exhaled and glanced down at the small bundle in my arms. My daughter’s eyes gazed up at me, wide and alert, the colors vivid in contrast to her pale skin. Curls, so adorable and wild in a darker shade of red than mine, lay against her head. Her fist was in her mouth, a sure sign she was hungry. We should have been on the flight by now. I would have fed her, and she would have slept. She was so good about sticking to her schedule, flying or not. I was extremely lucky that way. I glanced around, the closest restroom small and not accommodating to sit and feed her in private.
I stood and approached the desk where a woman was tapping out something on her keyboard. She looked up as I approached, offering me a resigned smile, no doubt certain I was about to quiz her on the situation. I offered a smile in return.
“Is there a family restroom close by?” I asked. “Someone is hungry, and it’s so crowded over there.”
“Oh,” she replied with a nod. “There is.”
Another woman appeared, interrupting. “It’s closed at the moment. But come with me. There is a small private room down the hall you can sit in and feed your child.”
Julianna squirmed in my arms, making a whimpering noise.
“She heard the word feed.” I laughed.
The woman, who introduced herself as Shannon, took my bag, and I followed her down a short hall. In the sparse room were a table and chairs, plus two loungers. A window high up let in the last afternoon sun. “This will be more comfortable for you. In fact, feel free to stay here until the flight is called. As soon as it’s ready to board, I’ll come get you.”
I felt a rush of gratitude. It was cooler and quiet in here. Private. I relaxed a little. “That would be lovely.”
“Water?” she asked. “I know you have to keep hydrated.”
“Thank you.”
A few minutes later, Shannon returned with a bottle of water and left. “I’ll be back to check on you.”
“Any idea when the flight will be ready?”
“I heard about an hour or two at the most. The part is set to arrive any minute.”
Grateful for the update, I sat in one of the loungers, settling Jules at my breast, smiling as she latched on fast. I stroked her plump cheek softly, watching as her eyes shut as she fed. She was a good eater. A good baby. I felt a rush of guilt that I tamped down as I watched her. She looked so much like Julian. Her eyes, the shape of her mouth. The dimple high on her cheek that he had which only came out when he smiled a certain way. She was a constant reminder of what I had lost. Of what I missed so much on a daily basis.
I stroked over her hair, humming low, relaxing. Soon, we’d be in the air, and I would get back to my life. Or, at least, the life I was attempting to make. The truth was, I was lost. Lost without him. But I had made a choice and put my daughter first. She was what mattered—the most important thing in all of this.
She finished feeding, and I burped her, changed her, then sat down, holding her close. The room was quiet, the sounds from the terminal muffled. It was a good thing Shannon would be coming to get me as I couldn’t hear any boarding announcements or updates in here. I caught the occasional sound of footsteps as people passed the door and low conversations in the hall, but no one entered. I glanced at the clock, wondering if Shannon would return soon. It had been about an hour, so I expected an update at least.
An odd feeling prickled under my skin, and I tried to ignore it. I felt an awareness, a tugging in my chest. I stood and paced the room, stopping to open the door and peek out. No one was there, and the sounds of the bustling airport were all I heard. I shut the door and shook my head as I transferred Jules to my other arm. I was being paranoid. I had been the whole trip, and now I was simply anxious to get through the final stage and return to hiding. That was all, I assured myself.