“Of course, I know the difference.”
“You chose to believe some fucker, this idiot called Zach, over me. I guess trust is something we have to work on.”
She didn’t answer, but her body didn’t tense at his words, either. He allowed himself to relax. It was good to be here. Alice was safe in his arms, and his body was lethargic in the wake of his release. Her linen had a freshly laundered scent. A coat of wood polish shone on the furniture. The carpet was fluffy and spotless, as if it had just been vacuumed. Her towels smelled of lavender, not like the ones in his bathroom that always seemed to be damp and musty from the humidity. The home she’d made for herself filled him with a mixed sense of belonging and sadness he couldn’t place. The only thing he was sure of was that this was where he wanted to be.
“I always knew you’d create a beautiful home,” he mused.
“It’s nothing compared to The Ritz.”
“That’s not the kind of beauty I’m referring to.”
“What is?” She nestled her ass in his groin.
“It always smells good.”
“I like baking.”
“I remember. You used to bake and feed me all the time.”
“That’s because you were always hungry.”
He stroked her hair and chuckled. “I ate like a caterpillar. There wasn’t much food in my house at the time.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“I know. I’m proud of the life you’ve built for yourself.”
“It’s not much, but it’s mine.”
He kissed her shoulder. “I expected you to live on your dad’s money. I imagined a big house in Kensington, something grand and flamboyant.”
“It’s not my style.”
“Why did you let Cain off the hook so easily? You allowed him to walk away from his responsibility. Didn’t you ever try to speak to him?”
“You had just left me, and then my mom died. When my dad left too, I promised myself I’d never need anyone, again.”
He wiped the strands of hair from her neck and kissed her skin. “Is that why you won’t accept help to save the theater? You know I have the money to do it, and if you can’t take it from me, you could’ve asked your father. He’ll do it gladly.”
“I don’t want your money or Cain’s help. I saw a way out, and I took it. That’s all. You gave up your prize for me, and people deserve to know what a kind and wonderful man you are. I didn’t think Patrick would insinuate I slept with you in school just so you’d hand over your prize.”
“I can knock his kneecaps in, if you want.”
She laughed. “No, thanks. We have enough on our hands as it is.” She turned in his arms to face him. “Why don’t you have a home, Ivan?”
The question took him by surprise. “I have a home.”
“The Ritz isn’t a home. It’s just a prolonged hotel stay.”
“It’s comfortable. I get room service twenty-four seven and someone to pick up after me.”
“I think it’s because you’re too frightened of having the one thing you always dreamt of having. You’re frightened if you have it, someone can take it away.”
The truth of the statement drove a lance through his heart. He hid the pain behind a laugh. “That’s why I was relying on you to make a home. That way, I can just move in.”
“Do you think one of us making a home will be enough for both of us?”
He pulled away to look in her eyes. “Stop, Alice. Don’t go there.”
“Can one person’s love ever be enough for two?”
“Go to sleep.”
She turned her back on him again and said softly, “My father’s love wasn’t enough.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “This is all we’ve got.”
That hollow spot in his soul ached. The only time he didn’t feel the haunting emptiness was when he was hurting Alice to take away her pain. It was a good thing they were both fucked up that way. Nobody else could fulfill him like Alice, and no other man would ever understand her as well as he did. He bargained on that. A man who couldn’t love needed every other advantage he could get to keep a woman he wanted as badly as he wanted Alice.
She yawned. “You’re staying?”
“Do you mind?”
“No.”
There was a smile in her voice that made his chest swell with a strange kind of warmth. He held onto her while they both drifted off to sleep.
Sometime during the night, he woke from a presence in the room. He immediately regretted the pungent smell of sulfur and sour vomit that spoiled Alice’s home.
Careful not to wake her, he sat up and swung his feet off the bed, his attention focused on the corner where the girl with the dead eyes stood. He drew one of the sheets around him and walked soundlessly down the stairs.