There was no need for him to reply since she had hit on the truth.
“Perhaps,” Eleanor suggested, “you should spend some time there. It would give you a chance to summon back the good memories.”
He didn't respond, although he knew she had a point.
“Was Joshua much like you?” Eleanor asked. “Did you look exactly alike?”
“We were spitting images.”
“Was he a vexing rogue like you?”
Damon gave a soft huff of laughter. “He could be. Joshua was far from a saint. The pranks he used to play on me were devilishly wicked.”
“And I'll wager you played similar pranks on him. You must have been a double terror to your parents.”
His mouth curved faintly. Then his smile slipped as sadness washed over him. “He was so full of life, so vital.”
“Just like you,” Eleanor murmured. Startling Damon, she turned to him and flung her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight, fierce hug.
She held him that way for a long while, and Damon allowed it, pressing his face into her hair. The pain started to ease a small measure as he accepted-no, welcomed-the solace Elle offered him.
Yet it soon became clear that she was not only set on comforting him but on exhorting him.
“You must forgive yourself, Damon,” she murmured in his ear. “You have to let go if you are ever to begin healing. Isn't that what Joshua would have wished for you? Do you honestly think he would have wanted you to punish yourself all these years?”
He knew the answer to that question, Damon realized as a forgotten memory pushed its way into his mind: that final day of his brother's life, when he'd bent down to hear Joshua's last words to him.
“Live… for… me,” he rasped through his cracked lips.
Damon swallowed against the constriction in his throat. He had buried that painful memory along with all his other emotions.
“No,” Damon responded in a raw voice. “My brother would not want me to keep punishing myself. He would have wanted me to live life to the fullest.”
“Of course he would,” Eleanor said with conviction. “Still, you are the only one who can grant yourself absolution, Damon. Until then you will continue denying yourself any chance for real happiness, and me as well. That is why I want to throttle you,” she whispered fiercely even as she clung to him.
Grasping her arms in a gentle grip, Damon extricated himself from her embrace and held her away. “My throat is entirely at your disposal, Elle, but I would rather you delay your craving for violence for a moment. I have something to say to you. A confession, if you will.”
When she eyed him warily, Damon held her gaze steadily in return. “You asked me why I kept my recent meeting with Lydia a secret from you. It's because I didn't want to drive you away again, as I foolishly did two years ago.”
“Foolishly?” Eleanor said slowly. “You think inciting me to end our betrothal was foolish?”
Damon responded with a wry twist of his lips. “Foolish, imbecilic, idiotic, dimwitted-and yes, craven. And I regret it more than I can ever say.”
She drew a shaky breath. “I was so afraid you intended to return to Lydia, Damon.”
“I am sorry, sweetheart.” Seeing the bruises in the depths of her eyes, the vulnerability, Damon damned himself for causing Eleanor pain. He'd cherished her, but he'd deliberately hurt her, both then and now. He would make it up to her, he swore silently.
As she stared at him, he clasped her hand more tightly, entwining their fingers. “You had me dead to rights, Elle. I never wanted to care that much for anyone again, to allow myself to hurt that way. So when I realized how close I was growing to you during our betrothal, I reacted out of fear. These past two weeks, however, I've experienced a revelation. Not having you in my life is far more painful than the risk of losing you.”
It was Eleanor's turn to swallow. “Damon, it isn't possible to have a future with no pain, no regrets, no unhappiness.”
“I know, but with you, my odds of happiness are infinitely greater. You are my happiness. I love you, Elle.”
Biting her lower lip, she searched his face as if not daring to believe. “You love me? Are you certain?”
Damon reached up to stroke her cheek. “Utterly absolutely certain. I fought against it, God knows. The entire time I was in Italy, I tried to dismiss you from my mind. I wanted to forget all about you, but it was hopeless. And when I returned to find you being courted by that Lothario… I couldn't let you wed him and walk out of my life forever. I couldn't lose you again when you were the only woman I could ever hope to love.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. “I think I must be dreaming. You truly love me?”