Ecstasy (Notorious 4)

“Perhaps not.” Catherine’s expression grew even frostier. “But Jervis made the correct decision. No one could expect him to tolerate the shame of his daughter bearing a child out of wedlock.”

“So he forced her to wed a man she disliked and then banished her from sight?”

“I assure you, Elizabeth understood that marriage was her only salvation. Wedding Kendrick rescued her from disgrace and saved you from being born a bastard!”

Raven winced at the familiar guilt that curled inside her. She well understood the sacrifice her mother had made for her. And that she had caused her mother’s downfall by her very existence. But the necessity of the marriage didn’t excuse her grandfather or her aunt for being so heartless and unforgiving.

“If my mother had not been forced to live among strangers,” Raven said tightly, “if she had been surrounded by family and friends and her familiar life, perhaps she might have been able to overcome her hopeless passion. As it was, she pined her life away, yearning for a love she could never have.”

“She had no one to blame but herself for her weakness. And she swiftly came to regret her grievous error in judgment.”

“Forgive me if I sound disrespectful, Aunt,” Raven replied with sarcasm, “but how could you possibly know?”

“Because she told me so in her letters. Elizabeth wrote to me upon occasion over the years.”

Raven found herself staring. “I never realized Mama wrote to you.”

“She did indeed.” Catherine’s gray eyes remained cold. “Her later letters clearly showed she had come to her senses. She bitterly regretted her fall from grace and losing the rank and privilege to which she was raised. She missed the life she could have had and thought you deserved… Which is why she was so determined you should have a different fate.”

That much was certainly true, Raven reflected somberly. Her mother had been nearly obsessive about rectifying her mistake. Elizabeth had spent countless hours-every afternoon over tea, in fact-trying to instill the graces of a lady in her daughter so that Raven might eventually take her rightful position in English society. On her very deathbed, she had made Raven swear to marry into the nobility…

“Do you still have any of Mama’s letters?” Raven asked, desirous of changing the subject.

“No. I didn’t keep them. But I’m certain she would be relieved to know you had landed a duke for your husband.”

“She would be relieved,” Raven corrected, “to know I needn’t worry about being labeled a bastard. She knew how cruel the ton could be, and she wanted me to be protected by rank and wealth, should my past ever be discovered. A duchess won’t be as vulnerable to such slights as a mere Miss Kendrick.”

“Well, I for one am relieved you have done nothing to shame your family, as she did.”

Raven curled her hands into fists, striving for control. “If you were so concerned that I would shame you, Aunt, I wonder that you gave me a home and sponsored my Season.”

“Because I was determined to keep up appearances, of course. And because your grandfather would hear of nothing else.” Catherine gave an elegant sniff. “In my opinion, Jervis has behaved rather foolishly, fawning over you as if you were his prodigal daughter. But when Elizabeth died, he formed the absurd notion that he had been too harsh-”

“Because he had been too harsh,” Raven interrupted. Her grandfather, Jervis Frome, Viscount Luttrell, had experienced a change of heart upon learning of his daughter’s death, regretting never having reconciled. When his health began to fail, he’d invited Raven to England, desirous of meeting his only grandchild and of making amends for his past intransigence and his estrangement from Elizabeth all these years.

Apparently Aunt Catherine had said her piece, though, for she turned away, every inch the imperious dame. “Enough dallying. You had best make haste. It won’t do to keep the illustrious duke waiting at the altar.”

“No,” Raven forced herself to say coolly. “As one of the chief arbiters of society, Aunt, you should know.”

When she was alone, Raven glanced down blindly at the pearls, still feeling the sting of her aunt’s scorn. Being scorned was a familiar experience to her.

Elizabeth had infuriated her haughty family, imperiling their social standing by developing a passionate love for a married American shipping magnate and conceiving a child out of wedlock. Disaster had been averted only by marrying her off to an impoverished neighbor’s younger son-one who held her in complete contempt, and her bastard daughter as well.

Raven cringed inwardly as she remembered the man who was presumed by the world to be her father, Ian Kendrick. For twenty years now, she had been Miss Kendrick in public, but privately he had never accepted her as his child. Never let her forget that she was in truth a bastard.

He had deliberately made her feel tarnished, unworthy…somehow to blame for both her mother’s weakness and his own misery. The terms of his marriage contract were clear: a small plantation and monthly income in exchange for remaining in the Caribbean with Elizabeth. Yet until the moment of his death in a riding accident eight years ago, Ian Kendrick had railed at his fate-being exiled to a backwater isle with barely the means to support his preferred standard of living-while his wife languished away, torn by unhappiness over her long-lost love. As for their daughter…

Raven steeled her shoulders, willing herself to calm. She’d carried the secret shame of her conception since she was old enough to comprehend the word “bastard.” And though her fear of discovery might be irrational, it was the chief reason she had favored Halford above all the other candidates who’d courted her so assiduously. And why she had carefully avoided the unsuitable ones. If she married high enough, if she aligned herself with a nobleman of power and consequence, then she would be shielded from her dubious past.

Admittedly she was guilty of deception for concealing her origins from her intended husband. But Halford would be getting exactly the sort of bride he required, Raven thought defiantly. She was virginal, possessed an acceptably winsome appearance, was of good blood and family connections, and had adequate countenance to fill the role of duchess. And she would willingly give Halford the heirs he wanted.

She would be getting precisely what she wanted as well: acceptance at last by the polite world that had never considered her good enough. And a husband who was safe. She would never make her mother’s mistake. Better a cold, loveless contract than a blazing passion that could rip her heart to shreds.

She was in no danger of falling in love with her duke, although she had hopes for eventually developing both affection and a satisfying friendship with him. Sometimes she even managed to delve beneath Halford’s stiff, straitlaced reserve and make him smile.

But theirs would be a marriage of convenience, nothing more. They would live together in civilized harmony, both understanding exactly what was required of them.

In any case, her imaginary lover would keep her satisfied. And if she had to resort to fantasy in order to feel passion, to experience desire and warmth and fulfillment…well then, she would need such an escape if she hoped to endure a lifetime of her illustrious husband’s rigid British formality.