“It’s nice up here.”
“You’re not a bird,” Max said gently. “And you actually hate heights, so the minute those drugs wear off, which should be in about—”
“Holy shit!” Reid shouted. “Max, I’m in a tree.”
Jason came up behind me and looked up. “Someone should get him down.”
“I’m not going.” Max held up his hands. “I fell from a tree when I was five.”
“Well, I’m not going!” I shouted. “I have to get married!”
“Send Grandma,” Jason offered.
“Great.” I sneered. “Yes, let’s send your mentally unhinged grandmother up the tree. Surely that will get Reid to want to come down? If anything he’s going to keep going up until there’s nothing but air, say a prayer, and project his body from the highest branch in hopes of making it into the swimming pool without dying.”
Max looked at the tree, then at the pool. “To be fair, he’d probably make it.”
“Guys!” I yelled.
Mrs. Caro came running out of the house. “It’s almost time! Guests are arriving!”
“Aw, shit.” I looked at Reid as he clung to the tree branch. “Buddy, you think you can just slowly climb down?”
“Dude.” Reid shook his head. “I literally see five of you right now. I don’t even know where to put my hand, so even if you do climb up here to rescue me, I’m most likely going to grab ahold of something that doesn’t have fingers and we all know how uncomfortable that would be.”
Max choked on his laugh.
“You’re his brother.” I elbowed him.
“There are some things,” Max said in a sad voice, “that even brothers cannot help brothers with.”
“I take back what I said about you,” I grumbled, walking toward the ladder that led up to the tree.
“About me being smart?”
“You’re an ass.”
“I just love a good donkey ride,” Grandma’s voice said to my right. I swear to all that is holy the woman appeared out of freaking thin air.
“Grandma,” I sputtered. “Didn’t see you.”
“Shall I fetch the ass for you?” She leaned in and whispered, “I can get him out of that tree in a jiffy.”
“There will be no jiffying of any kind!” Reid shouted from the branch.
“What the hell kind of life have you lived, squirt?” Grandma yelled right back. “Jiffy don’t mean that!”
“She called me squirt,” Reid whimpered. “She kissed me and wants to take advantage of me and she called me squirt. I think . . . I think I’m scared again.”
“No more drugs!” Max scolded.
“Course not!” Grandma agreed. “That man’s as virile as a cactus! He doesn’t need drugs to perform!”
“A squirty cactus!” Reid repeated. “Forget it, Colt, I’m just going to fall, maybe a concussion will give me amnesia!”
“No!” I gently pushed Grandma away and started climbing the ladder. “I’m coming to get you!”
“Fine.” Reid peered around the branch. “But hurry up, I think I see ants.”
“Ants suck,” Max said in a helpful voice.
“I’m allergic,” Jason joined in. “I wanted an ant farm so bad when I was little.”
“I had one,” Max said in a dreamy voice. “When I was ten, I named the farm Max’s Ant Oasis. Good times. Good times.”
“Glad you two would have been friends!” I snapped as I reached the top of the ladder. “Okay, Reid, you have to grab ahold of my hand and get on the ladder with me. It will hold us both but you can’t make any sudden movements, okay?”
He nodded and reached for my hands.
“Almost there,” I said encouragingly, when I felt a jolt from the bottom of the ladder. Holy shit, Grandma was climbing up behind me. “Jason, Max, do something!”
Max and Jason ran toward the ladder as Grandma started to gain speed. Great, not the best time for her to suddenly develop a second wind.
“Reid, hurry!” I stretched my arm farther just as Reid grabbed hold of it. He slammed against my body, causing the ladder to bang against the tree and the branch to shake all over the place. But hey, he was safe, so what were a few bruises?
“That was close!” Reid looked down and laughed nervously.
“Shit!” Jason screamed from the bottom of the ladder. “Shit! Shit!”
“Look!” Max pointed at Jason’s neck. “Now you have your own ant farm!”
“They’re biting me!” Jason started scratching his neck and arms, then went running, arms flailing, straight for the pool. He jumped in, still screaming.
“Allergic to ants,” Max called up, reminding us. “He’ll be fine, we’ll get him some cream. All right, come on down, I’ve got the ladder. You too, Grandma.”
“Ah phooey.” Grandma climbed down. “I wanted to rescue Reid.”
“Reid’s dead,” Reid mumbled, then hung his head against me.
“Well drat,” Grandma sighed as she reached the ground. “That’s another one with a weak heart. Can’t have a weak heart in the bedroom. Just causes problems when you want to Kama Sutra.”
“That sentence is going to haunt me for the rest of my life,” Reid whispered, his eyes still closed. “Freaking haunt me.”