Ecstasy (Notorious 4)

When Emma finally took her leave, Raven sat staring sightlessly at the floor. Kell didn’t intend to return.

Had he even planned to tell her? If he cared for her at all, he would have disclosed something so crucial as his intentions to abandon his London life, not left it for her to discover secondhand. What more proof did she need that he didn’t want her in his future?

She pressed a hand to her mouth to hold back a sob. He did blame her for what had happened to his brother after all. He clearly wanted nothing more to do with her. There was no hope for her.

Moments later, however, her emotions careened from despair to anger at her own stupidity. She’d done exactly what she vowed she would never do: follow in her mother’s footsteps. She’d fallen hopelessly in love with a man whose heart she couldn’t have-and brought herself more pain than she’d even thought possible.

Dashing away the burning tears, Raven leapt to her feet.

She would not be like her mother! She would not! Wasting her life, pining away for a man. She had to elude that terrible fate at all costs. She had to do something, anything to avert that future.

Feeling like a caged animal, she began to pace the room.

She had to act. She couldn’t remain here any longer, that much was becoming obvious. Everywhere she went, she was reminded of Kell. If she had any hope of forgetting him, of learning to live without him, she would have to break all ties with him. She would have to leave London.

But where in God’s name could she go? Her grandfather would take her in, of course, but even at his country estate, she wouldn’t be able to escape her memories of Kell-or her pain.

Perhaps she would do better to leave England altogether. Her life here was ruined anyway. She could go somewhere and start over. Somewhere warm, somewhere her heart would not be ravaged every moment of every day.

Somewhere without Kell.

Scalding tears filled her eyes again. Perhaps that would be best for Kell as well. If she left him, she would give him grounds to dissolve the marriage he had never wanted in the first place. He was wealthy enough to initiate the outrageously expensive proceedings for divorce…

Her tears fell harder. She would no longer have claim to his name, then, or his title. And a divorced woman was even more scandalous than a bastard. But what difference did it make what the world thought of her if she couldn’t have Kell?

Raven buried her face in her hands and wept.

Once she had resolved on a plan, Raven was almost desperate to implement it. She saw no reason to postpone her departure. And the sooner she left England, the sooner she could begin to forget Kell and get on with her life.

Her grandfather would not be happy with her decision, Raven knew. Yet she had already failed him by becoming embroiled in yet another scandal. She would simply have to make him understand that she couldn’t bear to remain any longer.

Her destination would be the isle of Montserrat, where she had grown up. She would be most comfortable there, for she still had numerous friends and acquaintances in the British West Indies, and it would be warm there. She could purchase a small house overlooking the ocean and live quietly.

The largest barrier to her plan was that England was still engaged in a fierce conflict with America, which made sailing on the high seas perilous. When she made inquiries of the various commercial shipping companies about travel schedules, she was disheartened to learn there were no passenger ships scheduled to depart for the West Indies for several weeks.

Fortunately, Lucian returned to London just then. The earl owned a substantial merchant fleet, and when he realized she was completely serious about returning to the Caribbean, Lucian insisted on lending one of his armed ships for the journey.

With his guidance, Raven set her departure for the following week and then began putting her affairs in order, beginning with writing good-byes to her friends and relatives.

Her grandfather’s reply came almost at once:

Your decision pains me greatly, my dearest girl, but I won’t attempt to change your mind, for I know the difficulties you would face should you remain here as an outcast.

I shall miss you more than I can say. Thank you for adding joy to my life these past months. For whatever it is worth, you have my blessing.

She sent Dare’s letter to his London home, asking that it be forwarded to him.

Her letter to Brynn was hand-delivered to the country by Lucian, and Brynn responded at once, saying that she would return to London to say farewell in person.

Raven called on her aunt, driven by common courtesy and the vague desire to make peace if she could. She expected to be refused, however, and was surprised when Lady Dalrymple actually received her.

“It is for the best,” the elderly lady said, agreeing with Raven’s decision to leave England. “You can no longer show your face in polite company, and you would only be miserable.”

Raven bit back the retort on her lips-that her misery would have nothing to do with being repudiated by the elite society she’d always aspired to. That she realized how little their acceptance meant to her now. Instead she changed the subject, expressing concern over how her grandfather would deal with her absence.

Halford, much to her surprise, called on Raven when he heard the news. His manner toward her was far more congenial than in past interviews. He still hadn’t completely forgiven her for jilting him, but Emma was providing him consolation.

“I can never wed her, given what I owe to my title, but she is a comfort to me,” Halford said with unexpected cheerfulness. He regarded Raven with a wistful smile. “Strange how events have turned out.”