Password to Her Heart (The American Soldier Collection 9)

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t fight when I was dragged crossing the border. I didn’t fight when Cuadrone touched me, tortured me while I sat there tied to the chair.” She turned away and closed her eyes. “He played with my emotions. He whispered things to me when I was too exhausted to block his words or the touch of his hands. He made it seem like I would never get out alive, or be the same person again.”

“Is he who you see at night, while you’re sleeping? This Cuadrone?” Spocko asked.

She closed her eyes and sat down on the seat. “I can feel him. It’s so real. His fingers trailing down my arms, over my breasts, across my thighs. I feel it, I can smell him, the cigars, the sweat, the food odor on his uniform. I never hated anyone so much in my life. Even my parents who hurt me physically and emotionally, I never wished death upon them. But him, his touch, his ability to hurt me in ways no other human being

had done before brought me to the breaking point.”

“To the breaking point?” Spocko asked.

She looked at him. “I stared into his eyes. I felt the anger. The hatred consumed me beyond control and even though I pulled that trigger and took his life, he still has power over me. Power I’m just not capable of destroying.” She stood up and started walking away.

“Shawna, wait, don’t go,” Lee said.

“Leave me alone. Just please, leave me alone. That’s what I’m used to. That’s all I’ve ever known.”

* * * *

“Goddamn it, Spocko. Is this the way it’s supposed to go? Now she’s angry with me, with all of us.”

“Lee, from that conversation you got more information than you realize about what’s hurting her and holding her back. She’s always been alone. Alone as a child handling abuse even though she had Keith, he did leave her for the military. She’s lived her life afraid to open up her heart and trust anyone. Keith gave you the power, the ability to instantly gain Shawna’s trust the moment he gave you that password. Tiek told me about how things went down over there at the compound. She was abducted and beaten and then had to kill the man who taunted her and placed fear in her, all so that she wouldn’t die. She was held hostage for six days, and she may never share what these men did to her while she was there. She also watched her brother get shot trying to save her, and now he lies in a hospital bed and no one knows if he’ll make it. That’s a lot to handle.”

“Then there’s us. I can’t speak for the others, although I’m certain they’ll agree, but I’ve fallen in love with her.”

Spocko chuckled.

“Yeah, kind of had that feeling since Mercury called me weeks ago. She’s strong, and she’s special. That should be obvious by how mellow Mercury acts when she’s around. No one would know that man was the hardest, meanest gunnery sergeant in the Corps.”

Lee chuckled. He looked to where Shawna walked off to. “I want to help her. How can I help her to realize that she’s not alone?”

“By being there for her, and talking to her, building that trust she already seems to have with you.”

Lee raised his eyebrows. “Trust me? How can you think that when she just stormed off angry at me for pushing her to talk?”

Spocko smiled. “If she didn’t care about you and trust you, then she wouldn’t have you to lash out at. You have to remember, it was you and Tiek she first saw. You and Tiek who gave the password, who brought her and Keith to safety under fire. She cares about you, but she’s fighting herself and what she’s conditioned her life to be. Lonely, and with no one to count on but her.”

Lee shook his head and then smirked at Spocko. “You have a natural knack for this, you know that?”

“I do recall one soldier throwing a right hook my way for calling out his obsession with not feeling vulnerable.”

They both stood up. Lee laughed and placed his arm over Spocko’s shoulder. “You move fast for a six-foot-three old man.”

“Old man? Look who’s talking.”

They headed in the direction Shawna left, back toward the house.

Lee said good-bye and thanked Spocko for coming, and then Lee and Stitch went looking for Shawna.

* * * *

Shawna didn’t know where she was going, just that she needed to let off some steam. She nearly lost it in front of Lee and Spocko. To show such vulnerability was a death sentence. She needed to gain control of the nightmares and the feelings of fear toward a ghost. Cuadrone was dead.

She circled around the house and followed the pathway that led to the back patio and pool. There were big oval lounge couches that could fit three people at least on them, with rattan awnings to block out the sun. They looked so inviting, so she walked closer, slipped off her sandals, and sat on one. The sun felt good on her body, so she lifted her dress a little higher to expose her legs to the sun. So many times when she worked and went to school on days when the sun was warm and inviting, she wished she could ditch it all and just lay out and relax. She never bothered imagining herself on a beach somewhere. That was just never a possibility. Not with bills to pay and a degree to get. She released a sigh, closing her eyes and leaning back. She was really tired. Crying and getting emotional wasn’t worth it when there were things to get done. It was easier to not feel at all, than to have these emotions.

She thought about the conversation with Lee and Spocko. So they had some tough times when they returned from serving. Did they mean that building everything around the house helped to ease their fears, their PTSD? She couldn’t imagine men as big, strong, and superior as Mercury, Tiek, Stitch, Tex, or Lee needing someone like Spocko to help them. But at least they had him.

She thought about Keith, and then came thoughts about Mexico. It was a vicious cycle. And even though the men claimed to want to care for her and make her their woman, there was still the deeply embedded fear in her heart causing her to not let go. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, but she was so tired, and this place, this lounge chair so relaxing.

“I can take you, play with you, anytime I want to,” Cuadrone whispered. She felt his finger caress down her arm, over her breast, then to her chin. She was shivering, so scared that he would do more. Each night he’d come to her, start off talking nicely, running his fingers through her hair, but the last two nights he went further.