But I want her to see. “Just don’t.” My voice is cold and harsh. He looks at me, baffled.
He furrows his eyebrows. “What’s wrong?”
Again another cold yet short response. “Nothing.”
I’m not a sideshow affair. I’m not a secret locked in a dark closet. I’m a person. I have feelings. I matter. Does he even care how I feel?
“Riley,” he murmurs. Just the sound of him uttering my name tortures me. All of the mixed emotions I’m feeling fight for the other one to be precedent. Love is the front runner, jealousy is second, and anger is coming up third ready pass up jealousy.
“Just stop, Henry.”
I can’t look at him. My eyes are watering and as I focus on the floor, tears free fall making tiny dots of wetness on the white tiles.
“Ry.” He touches my hair. So soft. So gentle.
“Henry!” Callie snaps.
Henry yanks his hand away from my hair. “Yeah, babe.”
Babe. Babe. Such a cute pet name. A pet name that he’ll never say to me. I can’t breathe. And I swear that my organs are shutting down.
I hate myself for loving him. I hate myself for being charmed by his beautiful smile. Hate. Hate. Hate. You’re a fool, I think. And you deserve to feel the way you do.
I know that’s harsh. To completely blame myself when this is just as much Henry’s fault as it is mine, but then I think if I wouldn’t have been such a weak person this would have never happened.
If I would have only just said hi the day I met him. I wouldn’t have let myself fall in love with him. The truth is, I’ve been crushing on Henry since the third grade.
Even as a nine year old there was something gallant about him. He’d stand up for other kids on the playground. Be friendly with everyone. He was selfless.
One time in particular, I remembered him snapping at T.J Johnson when he pushed Matt Fischer into a chain linked fence.
When I was younger I was ten times quieter than I am now. But, every now and then, I’d see Henry and he’d flash me his brilliant smile and I’d end up blushing.
I’m gritting my teeth when I look up.
Callie glances between Henry and me. “What are you doing, Henry? Why are you touching her hair?”
I narrow my eyes at Henry. I’m wondering if he’s going to tell her the truth.
He forces his words out. “She had something in her hair.”
Coward. Coward. COWARD!
I stand and walk into an empty fitting room. I don’t want to fall apart in front of him. Well, it’s not necessarily because of him. I don’t want to cause a scene and I know if I stay out there any longer I will. Inside, I’m an abandoned building, smashed by a wrecking ball. Hunks of my concrete walls crash into the ground and separate into smaller pieces. All that’s left of me is particles lingering in the air. I’m dust.
“Ro?” My voice cracks and I swallow hard, trying to conceal my emotion.
“Hey, you!” She’s always so bubbly and happy. It’s one of the reasons why I love her. “You decide to try something on?”
“Yeah.” Another quiver of my vocal chords.
“I can’t wait to see how you look in it,” she tells me.
Only she never will, because the only reason I came into the dressing room in the first place was to ball my eyes out into the t-shirt I’m holding.
Chapter 5
“When love is not madness, it is not love.” ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca ~