We were wrapped up, cloaked in a layer of black so thick it felt like driving on a foggy morning without headlights. And seeing the yellow lines on the road on a morning like that was nearly impossible. “What do you mean, nothing?” There was a hint of curiosity in my tone. “There has to be a reason why you wanted me to close the door.”
He pressed his lips against mine and my mouth parted. At that moment, his tongue began a slow, sultry dance with mine. He pulled himself all the way on top of me and tangled his fingers in my auburn locks. Desire blossomed in the pit of my stomach and I felt my legs starting to tremble. Breathless, and uncertain of what his purpose was, I broke the kiss and exhaled, “Adam, I—.”
“Shhh.” He cut me off with his pointer finger against my lips. “You might disagree,” he went on, “but I happen to think there’s something seductive about the dark.”
I tuck the memory into a portion of my mind that I know I won’t revisit when I hear Adam coo in a sing-song voice, “My sweet Regina.”
“I hate you!” I fire back at him. I hop up from the edge of my now filled in grave, positioning myself directly in front of him. I stare up at him, my eyes filled with fury. “I fucking hate you!”
I am a terrible liar.
The worst part is that I don’t hate him.
I hate myself.
I hate myself because I thought he held the key to the gates of heaven in his eyes.
I hate myself because I loved him so much.
I hate myself for giving him the opportunity to prove me right when I so desperately hoped he would prove me wrong.
Because I knew….
I knew all along that something wasn’t right with him, but I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want to believe it. I was content living in a fucked fantasy relationship with him because it is easier to live in a lie rather than face the truth.
Because the truth hurts.
And lies don’t cost a thing.
Out of nowhere, I hear Adam laugh. It is a laugh filled with deceit and wickedness and I can’t do anything at that point but scream.
Out of pain.
Out of anger.
Out of sorrow.
Or maybe a mixture of all three, I’m not quite sure.
Tears flood my eyes and I ball my hands into fists at my sides. “But I loved you!” I shriek. “I loved you!” I repeat the words several times until my voice dies down to barely above a whisper, “But I loved you.” I collapse at his feet, feeling weak, defeated hopeless and broken. Sobs rack my chest and before I know it, I’m crying so hard that I can’t breathe.
But I loved him.
He whistles before belting out, “Regina, the apple of my eye.”
At that moment I snap. Every shred of sanity I have left evaporates into thin air. I’m on my feet again and in a few quick steps, I’m behind him. “Fuck you!” My emotions are a cyclone of love, hate, and misery. The funnel spins around and around inside of me, destroying everything in its path.
My head, my stomach, my heart.
Every part of me is shattered debris.
Unable to keep my emotions in check, I launch my shoulder into Adam’s back and shove him. I shove him as hard as I can, but then I remember that I’m dead.
He doesn’t even feel me.
He doesn’t even flinch.
All he does, is stomp on the dirt concealing my body, flattening it. He does this while whistling the tune he always he used to sing to me.