Insanity (Asylum 1)

I have to get out of here.

Standing, my eyes dart around the room. No two beds. Two dressers. No Aurora. Padded walls for days. I’ve been put back in solitary. One cot. One person. One barred window with a man standing next to it.

A man?

With chin-length black hair, blue blue eyes, and toasted almond skin. Damien .

“Damien?” I swallow hard. My voice is hoarse. “What are you doing here?” I wiggle beneath the restraints of my straightjacket. “Damien, can you help me get out of this thing?” He ignores me. I keep my eyes on him, watching as he lowers his hands to his sides, clenching them into fists. “Damien, please.”

He answers me, but doesn’t face me. “Where were you last night?” His voice is low, chilling, even menacing. He doesn’t sound like my, Damien. My Damien’s voice is always warm, loving, and kind. “Answer me, Addy.” He’s adamant and his voice goes up an octave. “Do you know I waited for hours?” His blue eyes stare back at me through the thick panes of glass. They’re cold. Lifeless. “You abandoned me. You never showed.”

My face pinches and I have to bite my lip to keep it from quivering. Doesn’t he remember carrying me away from the staff when they came for me with their precious needles? Doesn’t he remember riding in like a white knight on a stallion and coming to my rescue? “But… but you were there with me?” I stammer. “You held me.” I shake my head and struggle beneath the straightjacket. “Don’t you remember?”

I see Damien’s eyes narrow through the window, a scowl form on his lips, and his thick black eyebrows scrunch together. “Where?”

I cast my eyes downward at my hidden hands. “I don’t know where, but I could have sworn you were there, carrying me down the hall.”

Damien lets out a frustrated sigh, runs a shaky hand through his ebony locks and purses his lips. “No. I was in the utility closet, waiting for you.”

“Then who was the man carrying me down hall?

“Man?” Damien growls and slams his fist into the white padding on the wall. “What fucking man?”

“I don’t know. Damien, I thought he was you!”

Damien spins around facing me, blue eyes wild with fury, a flush on his toasted almond cheeks. “Do you have any idea what I had to do to come back to you?” There’s a rasp in his voice and it’s deadly. He lurches closer. I cower away from him, backing into a corner. “Do you know what I’ve given up for you?” He’s shouting now. “I love you so much it makes me crazy!” There’s a crazy, panicked look in his blue blue eyes. “I love you so much sometimes I feel like it’s suffocating me!” My back hits the padded wall with a thud and Damien looms over me and punches the wall next to my head. Tears free fall from my eyes and I close my eyelids for a second, trying to push some of them back, but it’s no use, there’s a river on my flushed cheeks. “And you…you… you do this,” Damien stutters. “I sacrificed everything for you,” he’s shouting again, “and you’re out parading around with another man!”

I suck back my tears and shake my head. “No, Damien! You don’t understand! It was only—!”

He cuts me off. “Save the bullshit for someone else, Addy!”

My mouth gapes. My lips quiver. Tears come out in torrents. I try to reach for him desperately with trembling fingers, but I forget I’m in a straightjacket. I struggle beneath it. I need to touch him. I need to feel that he’s real because somehow it feels like I’m having another nightmare.

Damien backs away from me, his hands in the air, eyes closed. “Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!”

I sink to the floor, hunched over screaming and sobbing hysterically. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. His words puncture a hole in my heart. Lifting my head slowly, my eyes instantly focus on Damien’s beautiful face. His eyes are closed, his lips in a straight line. When he opens his eyes wetness glistens in the corners. He blinks back the emotion, pinches the bridge of his nose, and starts for the door.

I’m on my feet, dashing after him. “Damien, please!” I beg. “It’s not what you think!”

“I said save it, Addy!” He pulls my door back. “Save it for someone who cares,” he mutters, pain in his voice, “because I’m done caring. I’m done being the one who comes to your rescue.”

“No!” I shriek and sink down to my knees, the air knocked out of my lungs. The room is spinning and spinning and spinning. “No!” I fall forward and my cheek rests against the cold tile floor. My whole body shakes and I can’t control the sobs and how they sound leaving my throat. For a moment, I think I sound like a crazy person. Like I belong here among the nut jobs.

Pain stabs at my side and runs its course through my insides. It’s not a sharp pain that’s only present for a minute or two then goes away. It’s a dull, throbbing pain that intensifies, deepening as the seconds dwindle by. Damien is still at my door. I gawk at the back of him, eyes drifting up his long lean body stopping at his sleek black locks. His hair is matted by his crown like someone stuck a piece of chewing gum there. I squint, thinking I notice something oozing from his scalp, but banish the thought. It’s nothing, just my mind playing tricks on me.

My gaze drops to his feet. I want to reach out and grab him, but forget that I can’t. The loudest shriek I’ve ever let out leaves my throat and I curl up into a fetal position on the floor. For the first time ever, I’m thankful for the straightjacket because I’m convinced it’s the only thing holding me together.

My door slams and I struggle to sit up. I rock back and forth on my tailbone, mumbling to myself. I stare at the closed door, waiting for Damien to come back. Hope floats through my bloodstream like a virus before it becomes full blown. He’ll come back, right? We just had a silly little fight. We’ve had them before and we always made up shortly after. This time will be like all the others. Damien will show up at any moment, we’ll apologize to each other and go back to being the loving, doting couple that we’ve been for the last year.

But Damien doesn’t come back.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting here, could be seconds, minutes, hours, maybe even a full day. At one point, I swear I’m imagining hearing the sound of his glorious voice. I stumble to my feet, tripping, my body slamming against the metal door to my room. On my tiptoes, I press my shoulder into the door to keep myself steady. I look out the tiny square window at the top of the door out into the dimly lit hallway. Shadows dance along the tan plaster walls and the row of hanging lights flicker, but there’s no one there. Shaking my head I place my back flat against the door and crouch down, sitting.

Lowering my head, I stretch my legs out. What is happening to me? I let out a long ragged breath and bang my head lightly against my door. More tears pool in my eyes and as I close my eyes they roll down my cheeks. I’ll never forget that look on Damien’s face. He looked like I stabbed him in the chest, carved out his heart, and put it in a blender. The thought that I hurt him so deeply is killing me.

Softly.

Slowly.