“You think so?” She says with a bit of sarcasm while holding back a giggle.
I purse my lips and try not to giggle in return. “Sounds to me that you might have a thing for him too.”
In mock bafflement, Lara's mouth drops open, a smile tugging on her lips. “Is that right?”
Lara is really secretive about her feelings. It’s not that she doesn't trust me, I know she does. She explained to me once why she's tight-lipped when it comes to the way she feels.
I don't like to psych myself out for something I know might not happen, she’d said. I don't like to get all gushy like he's so amazing when I don't know where the relationship is going because then that's just like asking to have your heartbroken. You understand what I mean?
I do understand what she meant. She's not the type to put herself all out there when she isn't sure of what she'll get in return. What if he just wants a piece of ass? What if he's just tesing the waters? But at least she puts herself out there. Unlike me.
Even before my attack, I'd always been shy, introverted. It's not that I didn't try to be an extrovert, believe me, I tried. Once when I was a freshman, I tried to flirt with Ben King, a junior I was crushing on who was in my advanced biology class. Only that didn't work out so well. I began the conversation batting my eyelashes and asked him 'which animal he preferred dissecting'. That earned me a disgusted look and from that moment on Ben sat on the opposite side of the room, as far away from me as he could.
I'm not a freak, I just don't know how to act, flirt, or talk to guys. I've been in the 'friend zone' with most of the guys I know because of that. Except for Ryan. He's the only guy who has ever given me that kind of attention. And I don't want his attention.
Lara cuts into my morbid flashback when she asks, “So what do you think of his friends?” She contorts her body so she's facing me. “Any of them catch your eye?”
I glance in the direction of the group of guys. “Not really.” I glimpse at Sean casually, trying not to be too obvious. He's not paying attention, wearing a cocky smirk, dimples present on his cheeks as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind blondie number two's ear.
Lara doesn't miss a thing. “Oh no,” she chuckles. “My little friend has set her sights higher than guys who work at a sporting goods store.”
“Stop it.” I wave her off and tear my eyes away from Sean. “So I think he's attractive. That's all it is. That's all it will ever be.” He's made it clear on more than one occasion that that's all I'll ever be to him. Some girl who admires him from afar. “He wants nothing to do with me.”
Lara narrows her eyes and bites her bottom lip. “Really?”
Oh no. I know that look on her face. She's wearing her I have a plan look. A devilish glint shines in her blue eyes and I know she's about to try pull something off. She glances over her shoulder briefly at Sean then back at me. “Those skanks don't have shit on you,” she comments and rises from the booth.
“Lara, don't!” I snap and latch onto her elbow. But she doesn't listen, she yanks her arm away and slinks over to Sean and the two girls. Panic blossoms inside of me, starting at my chest cavity before working its way throughout my entire body. I have to get out of here. Stealing a glance at Lara, she's pointing in my direction and Sean observes me with a nod.
Oh. My. God.
What is she saying? I really need to get out of here.
In a flash, I bolt from the booth, making my way to the exit. I stop in the small square area between the entrance and exit. With my back to the wall, I slide down, hugging my knees to my chest. The door leading to the parking lot is like a cement barrier, a blockade, a force-field. As much as I tell myself I need to leave, I can't bring myself to walk out the door. My chest heaves. I clasp my trembling fingers. My heart is on speed, thumping a million miles a minute.
My head drops down and I bury it in my hands. The fluorescent lights in the parking lot bleed in through the glass and lifting my head, I stare at the tiny dots of white on the tips of my black shoes. A vision flashes in my mind and I see them—the hands. My attacker's hands. They're needy, out-stretched. They are reaching for me. Now I'm starting to lose it again and I realize I've overstayed my welcome at the bar. I need to get Lara and tell her I want to leave.
It bothers me that I'm going to ruin her night, but I know I'm seconds away from falling apart and I need to go home before the fear and panic eats me alive. Pushing to my feet, I spin around, pulling the entrance door to the bar open, and ram into something upon entering. “Fuck.” My organs are like walls smashed by a wrecking ball. I'm being demolished. Pieces of me break off and crumble, slamming into the ground and I can't handle being shattered. I start shaking and stutter out, “I'm...I'm...”
“Shh.” I look up and Sean has his hands on my shoulders. His voice is calming and deep yet soft. “Easy.” His depths of blue-green burn into my eyes and they are full of intensity. He drops his hands from my shoulders. “Are you okay?”
I swallow and nod, keeping my eyes locked with his. It amazes me that he isn't looking at me with disdain or looking at me like I've lost my mind. Even though I'm pretty sure I dropped it on the ground somewhere in this tuna-can of a room.
“Lara said you needed a ride home,” he says slowly, lingering on each word.
“I'm having a panic attack. I'm not mentally challenged,” I snap, irritated that he was speaking to me like I’m stupid or something.
“Whatever.” His gaze darkens. There's grit in his voice. It looks like I've pissed him off. Yay me. He rolls his eyes “Do you need a ride or not?”
“Yes,” I croak, trying to find my voice. I need to go home, but do I want him to be the one to take me? “Why can't Lara take me?”
“I guess she wants to stay a while longer,” he comments.
I pull back the door and I see Lara talking and laughing with, Ted. She looks so happy and carefree. I don't want to bother her. I want her to enjoy herself. Closing the door, I chew on my lip and play with my fingers. My nerves are crackling inside of me. “If you don't mind then, yes, I'd really appreciate a ride.”
“Fine.” He pushes on the exit door with force and storms into the parking lot.
I follow, staying close behind him. I admire the swagger in the way he walks. He's confident, but not overly proud, with his broad muscular shoulders pulled back and long strides. He's tall too, but not too tall, probably around 6'1. That's almost a foot taller than my height of 5'3. My eyes trail down his arms. His hands are clenched in fists, and I marvel at the sight of his tattoos, and the way they wrap around his bulging biceps. I lift my eyes higher, taking in the sight of the way his chestnut hair that is styled in a messy way. Then I notice the diamond studs in his ears. I never knew his ears were pierced. Then again the last couple times I saw him I wasn't focused on his ears.