That’s something I’ll never be.
I’ll never be the good guy. I know this. I’ve accepted it.
I’ll always be corrupted. Doing illegal things. I’ll always be the villian, tying up the damsel in distress and leaving her on the metal tracks, while her hero rides in on his horse and comes to her rescue before the steam locomotive coming at her crushes her body and spirits.
Bouncing lightly, from right foot to left, I start jogging again. I need to clear my head. I pick up speed and start sprinting. I’m trying to think about my fight on Friday. I’m trying to think about how Avery Mullins face will look when my bright red glove connects with his jaw.
But I keep coming up short.
Hadlee’s picture keeps swelling in my mind.
Then there’s my heart.
It’s racing.
Speeding.
Sprinting like an Olympic athlete hurling around that last stretch of track, a breath away from the finish line.
My heart is telling me that I should give this thing I’m feeling for Hadlee a shot. It speaks to me, saying that I deserve a tiny bit of happiness for everything I’ve sacrificed.
But the question is, how long will that happiness last?
I’ve never dropped my guard.
I’ve never let myself get hurt. By a woman, I mean. I’ve never let myself get involved long enough to get to that point. Something tells me that Hadlee isn’t the type of person who would intentionally hurt someone, but still. What if I hurt her? Even if I don’t mean to, what if something happens and I wind up hurting her?
That’s not something I’m sure I could live with.
I’ve never felt more confused.
Or tortured.
Or felt like I’m in the middle of the boxing ring going round for round with myself.
I feel like punching someone.
Or something.
I jab at air instead.
It doesn’t make me feel any better. I throw in a combination thinking that might help.
Left uppercut.
Right uppercut.
Left jab.
Left jab.
Right hook.
I’m still a confused mess inside.
Here’s the funny thing about emotions when it comes to dealing with the heart and mind. It doesn’t take a person long to learn that the heart always wins.
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